I Ain't One To Gossip, But.......

It's that age old story of love and family and commitment, with a twist.
It seems that just as Salma Hayek was giving birth to baby Valentina, by then-boyfriend, now husband, and constant billionaire, Francois-Henri Pinault, supermodel Linda Evangelista was giving birth to her baby boy Augustin.

Who's father has now been revealed to be billionaire, Francois-Henri Pinault.
Evangelista and her peeps have spent years Pinault's paternity, even when confronted with the truth back in Ott-Seven, but now the Victoria's Secret model is in a New York court demanding support, you know, money, from Pinault, so she can raise Augustin James in the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed.
And a Manhattan court confirms that Pinault is the daddy to both children, both just months apart, by two different women.
And Hayek and Pinault have spent the last four years denying Pinault ever schtupped Evangelista and made a baby. They continue to say, in interviews, that Pinault has only three children--Valentina and two from his previous marriage to his first wife.
But Augie Jimmy makes four!
Evangelista and Pinault conceived their boy in early 2006, when Pinault was reportedly separated from then-gal pal Hayek, who was also pregnant with the babymaking Frenchman's child, and whom he wed in 2009.
Oh those Frenchmen.

Charlie Sheen has sued his ex-bosses at Two.Five Men fort anything and everything; he's sued the studio, and he's sued the network. But he's lost every single court battle.
Not winning.

Now he has another play to harm the show that kicked him to the curb.
He's going to be roasted on Comedy Central and would like the show to air opposite Ashton Kutcher's debut episode of 'Two and a Half Men' on September 19. Yeah, that'll show the bosses that a coke-loving-porn-star-schtupping-bi-polar nut case should have been able to keep his job.
A Comedy Central source--and by source I mean Charlie Sheen--says, "If you think this is a coincidence then you are nuts.  This is Charlie getting the last laugh. He doesn't care what they say about him at the roast as long as the show kills CBS in the ratings. Charlie has a thick skin and can laugh at himself but if you hurt him, like he thinks Chuck Lorre did, then he doesn't forget."
Thick-skinned is a Hollywood euphemism for out-of-control ego.
And, while nothing will be off limits in the Sheen-ripping department, one of his exes--fresh out of rehab, Brooke Mueller--has warned of a lawsuit if she's the butt of any jokes.
Oh please Brooke. There are enough jokes to be made out of Charlie Sheen and his drug-fueled antis that you won't even be mentioned.

Kate Moss is a little model with a giant ego.

She has actually demanded that the Royal Air Force [RAF] not fly any planes out of the base located near her home in the English countryside when she gets married. She has asked that planes, carrying British soldiers, bound for Afghanistan, be diverted so as not to disturb her ceremony.
You know, she's a model, and those men and women are just trying to fight a war. priorities, please.
The RAF is not as enamored with Moss' wedding as the ALLEGED coke-whore is: "These flights are absolutely crucial. The idea that the top military brass would put these flights on hold or change their routes just to give a celeb some peace on their wedding day is absolutely inconceivable."
But.....but....she's a model!
Look at all the good she does for the world!
Walking runways.
Going to parties.
Getting high.
What does the military do for the world?
Oh......yeah.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But.....

It looked for about a second there that Charlie Sheen might actually be "winning". But then one of his Goddess moved out of the Sober Valley Lodge--which was subsequently put on the market--and just last week Goddess Two, who had become Goddess One since One could not complete her reign, also left the building.

And then came word that Sheen would be returning to television.
The former "Two and a Half Men" star, who was booted from the show after several drug and porn start fueled rampages and tirades,  has ALLEGEDLY signed a deal with Lionsgate Television to create a new show to air on a cable network; a couple of those cable guys are ALLEGEDLY bidding on the show.
A source--and by source I mean any one of the wacknuts still sponging off the soon-to-be-broke ex-TV star--says, "Charlie has inked a deal with Lionsgate Television to create and star in a new sitcom. Charlie's character will be very similar to the one he played on 'Two And a Half Men,' however the show will be a lot racier."
Oh, so he's stealing the idea? Winning?
Rumor has it that Lionsgate has agreed to produce ten episodes, with a look to option 90 more if ratings are high. This could be good for Charlie, y'all, and the drug and porn star escort business, both of which have taken quite the monetary hit since he's been out of work.
Sounds good except......now there are reports that it doesn't appear that a deal has been signed yet between Sheen and Lionsgate, and that TBS, one of the networks mentioned to be in talks to carry the program, have denied any involvement.
Sounds like more Sheen bullshiz.


They met, fell in love, had a baby, broke up, fought over custody, ended their battles for the sake of their child, and then......

The custody fight between Halle Berry and ex-boyfriend Gabriel Aubrey over daughter Nahla is ALLEGEDLY still going strong, since Berry made an appearance in family court this week and accused Aubrey of violating an April custody agreement.

Laura Wasser, Berry's attorney, submitted lengthy documentation focusing on Aubrey's parenting skills, which accuse the male model of neglecting his daughter during an overseas visit and putting her safety at risk. Now, Halle wants the judge to rule that Aubrey did violate the agreement and deny him custody of the girl.

The judge set a hearing for a later date.
You know, they've been having this battle for half-a-year now, and every time it hits the press they settle down and say they'll work together to parent their child. And then, as the dust settles, they're back in court with the same arguments.

Maybe little Nahla would be better off without such litigious parents.


JLo's ego has gotten bigger than her ass, ALLEGEDLY.

It seems that Miss Lopez, who thinks she's all that, and a bag of chips, on American idol, recently admitted to the BBC that she's "on the fence" about returning to the long-running talent show. And some, like me, are saying she's spewing this crap because she's holding out for a bigger paycheck, rather than being grateful that after years of god-awful movies and music, she actually had a hit song this year.

Thanks to Idol.

But the folks over at Idol aren't worried about JLo returning, or her demands for a paycheck as grand as her derriere. No, Idol is ALLEGEDLY already looking at possible replacements should JLo start being a  money-grubbing whore.

I giggle. Start being a money grubbing whore?

A source at Idol--and by source, I mean none other than Miss Ryan Seacrest--says, "Right now the star of 'American Idol' is Steven Tyler. Everyone thought after Simon announced he was leaving that [Lopez] would fill the void. How wrong were they? It's all about Steven, who's already signed on for season 11."

La Dopez, er, Lopez, might want to rethink asking for a pay raise from her current $12 million a year salary.
She has a big ass and she's acting like one, too.


Courtney Love, AKA Lindsay Lohan's older twin, has had a bit of a rough week....and perhaps year....and maybe lifetime.

Just a day after Courtney Love split from her British boyfriend, the A-Hole singer has found herself amidst a rather bizarre episode of grand theft auto involving photographer David LaChapelle and director Brett Ratner.
According to that bastion of integrity and professional journalism, the New York Post, Love was at the exclusive SoHo House in New York when she offered to pick up Ratner and take him to LaChapelle's exhibition at Lever House.

That, however, did not happen.

ALLEGEDLY Love took the car and did not return at all, which left LaChapelle quite worried about his ride. In fact, a source at the SoHo House--and by source I mean bellhop--says, "Courtney did take his car. David was flipping out and going crazy at the front desk that Courtney stole his car."

Hold up though. Now Brett But Ratner has come forward saying that Courtney and David are still BFFs, and that Love was supposed to drive him in LaChapelle's car but he was too tired to go, so she took the ride solo.
Uh huh.
I'm leaning toward Love pulling a Lohan-type car theft, and no one, not even LaChapelle, wants to admit he allowed Courtny Love...COURTNEY LOVE....drive his car.


As of this past Wednesday, Lindsay Lohan is a free woman. Again.

But for how long? I think we should start a pool on when Lohan

But I digress.

So, how did La Lohan celebrate her first taste of freedom after a month or so of house arrest. By going out! And, from the looks of her first night on the town, Lohan should think about staying home a little longer. Like a Norma-Desmond-long-time.
That photo, over there, was taken this week, just a few days shy of Lohan's 25th birthday.
Yes, folks, that's what twenty-five looks like these days, after stealing cars and jewels, and getting into fights, and falling down drunk, and being a prescription medicine and alcohol addict.
She should be the poster child: this is your face on drugs!
Lock up your cars and jewels, people, and put a latch on the medicine cabinet.
Lohan's back!

I Ain't One To Gossip, But.....

Ricki Lake is talking. A lot. Apparently, she is developing a new, another, talk show, and is telling anyone and everyone, who will listen, about the show, about her love life, about her ongoing weight loss, about the book she's writing about her life story because we all can't get enough of......what's her name again?

Oh, yeah, Ricki Lake.
But, um, yeah, one thing Ricki ain't talking about is how she is being sued by Hovsep Kousayan, the owner of a house in Malibu, that Ricki and her family rented last year, and that burned down last September. It is being ALLEGED that the fire that destroyed the beachfront home was started, accidentally, of course, while Ricki was freebasing.
Wait, that was Richard Pryor.,
No, Ricki ALLEGEDLY started the fire when she spilled oil while refilling a space heater.
In his lawsuit, Kousayan is ALLEGED to have spoken with emergency responders who claim that on the scene, Lake essentially admitted to causing the blaze. In fact, on the 911 tape, a panicked Lake is heard saying to her children, "Mommy made a mistake."
The Sheriff's Department of Los Angeles County investigated the fire at Lake's rental home and concluded that it was an accident. Capt. Larry Robideaux: "Ms. Lake was refueling a portable heater inside her home and accidentally caused the fire...It took crews approximately ten minutes to extinguish the fire....This has been ruled as an accidental fire. Case closed."
Yeah, unless it's your multi-million dollar Malibu home that Ricki Lake ALLEGEDLY torched.
Hopefully her upcoming chat show pays a lot. I'm thinking she's gonna need it.

What do you do when, while you were married,  and making some forgettable Lifetime movie, you started schtupping your co-star, which caused your husband to divorce you, and caused your adulterous boyfriend's wife to divorce him?

Well, if you're LeAnn Rimes, you continue the drama.
It seems that while honeymooning with her new husband, Eddie Cibrian, Rimes Tweeted pictures of herself, though not of the Weiner variety, that also caused a stir.
The pics showed a very thin, some might say emaciated, Rimes in a bikini, and caused all sorts of ruckus about how thin she's become; but hey, people, husband stealing burns a lot of calories!
Adultery? Check!
Rumors of an eating disorder? Check!
Now, it seems, she wants to be the new JLO and is fighting off rumors that a sex tape, made with her former husband, Dean Sheremet, is floating around, which caused Rimes to Tweet:  "I hear there are rumors of a 'sex tape' I have never filmed myself having sex on tape, period. Haven't joined that club LOL! Just wanted to put minds at ease."
Yes, please put minds at ease, because the picture of your crackling thin body having sex, and now breaking in two, is an image I want to erase.
But keep on plugging.
Adultery? Check!
Rumors of an eating disorder? Check!
Sex tape? Check!
Now, we all know that publicity is good, really, but the kind Rimes is getting, for cheating on her husband, or being more than a bit anorexic, and having a sex tape, is not the way to go.
In the words of the Dixie Chicks: LeAnn? Shut up and sing.

This breaks my heart. When two kids can't stay together, I get weepy.
Yes, tis true, dear readers, seven-hundred-eighty-five-year-old Hugh Hefner's twenty-five-year-old fiance, Crystal [and why are so many Playboy models called 'Crystal'?] Harris, has broken off the engagement.

Man, when two kids with so much in common can't make it, well, then, I lose all hope.
Hefner glumly Tweeted: "The wedding is off. Crystal has had a change of heart."
Or, maybe she realized she was marrying a man old enough to be, not her father, no, not her grandfather, no, but her great-grandfather. So, so much in common.
Harris, who is an aspiring singer, and is ALLEGEDLY romantically involved with Dr. Phil's son, said: "After much deep reflection and thought I have decided to end my engagement with Hef. I have the utmost respect for Hef and wish him the best going forward. I hope the media will give each of us the privacy we deserve during this time."
Let me translate: "After about a minute, I realized I couldn't marry a man who is old enough to have seen the turn of two centuries. I'm a hot nude model who can sing and am trying to shop a reality show around town, and I couldn't be bothered with changing He'f's diapers on a daily basis, so I'm Audi."
As for the privacy part, that makes me giggle, because they were going to film the wedding and show it on TV. Yeah, this is sad. I'm heartbroken.

Troubled actor Charlie Sheen is telling anyone and everyone who will listen that he has another TV gig lined up after being fired from CBS' 2.5 Men for being a drug-addled douche.

It seems that sources--and by sources, I mean, porn stars and drug dealers, because this is Sheen we're talking about--close to Sheen have said that the wacktor is in talks for a new TV series that could debut as early as January 2012.
Trouble is, no one is talking about any network, or any deal or any show. And still, Sheen's representatives are saying he is in "deep negotiations" and the deal could be done by the weekend.
The series, ALLEGEDLY a sitcom, will be written specifically around Sheen--which means he'll be playing a drug-addled, bipolar, sex-addicted narcissist--and that there will be no pilot shot. This is definitely a go, because, well, it stars Charlie Sheen.\
Winning.
And while minor details--like what network would hire him....like is he to be paid in cash or cocaine....like who's producing it....like how many porn stars are on the payroll--have not been been revealed, one thing that Sheen has clearly stated is that 'Two and a Half Men' creator and producer Chuck Lorre will not be involved in the new show.
Oh, I thought that was a given.
Good luck in Fantasyville, Charlie.
 
Oprah Winfrey.
What's does the Big O do when her TV show ends and her network, OWN, is really kind of a failure?

Well, she decides to have another talk show, on OWN, so maybe people will watch. And by people, i mean people who don't wanna see Shania Twain get her career back, or see The Judds in therapy, or watch Ryan and Tatum O'Neal bring their dysfuntionality to the small screen.
Yes, the Big O--who just ended her talk show on a network she doesn't OWN--will be back on TV sooner than we thought, when "Oprah's Next Chapter" starts airing.
And who does O want as a guest?
O followed quickly by J.
O says her "dream" is to take on O.J. Simpson and get the ultimate scoop, like having him admit on TV that he murdered two people in cold blood: "I have a dream of O.J. Simpson confessing to me. And I am going to make that happen people."
As God is my witness....or...in Oprah-speak...As I am my witness!
O told interviewer Paula Zahn that she has one big condition for sitting down with OJ: "I don't just want the interview. I want the interview on the condition that you are ready, Mr. Simpson."
Don't hold your breath, O. The only confession you'll ever get from OJ is that he likes cakes and pies as much as you.
So, stay busy on OWN, making new shows like "Oprah's Next Chapter" and "'Season 25: Oprah Behind the Scenes" and "Oprah Presents Master Class" and "Your OWN Show: Oprah's Search for the Next TV Star."
OMG. O and OJ. OMG.
So many O's, so little interest.
 
Some woman with an ass the size of a '67 Dodge Dart, named Coco, who is married to a man named Ice-T, is calling out singer Nicki Mina by saying that Nicki's, um, ample assets are not really real. And not actually surgically enhanced, but more like, fake. Like stuffing.

Ice-T's wife, Coco--seriously, these are their names--revealed to, of all people, Perez Hilton that, as far as she knows, Nicki is rockin' the fake ass because she read that Nicki admitted her butt is bogus: "Well, I read that it wasn't. I thought that she came out with it. I heard it from her."
Then she quickly backtracked. "Okay I don't know... We're not even going to go there anymore. You know what I say about a lot of stylists that work with me... They work with me, they touch my body, they're doing stuff all day long. So they're doing that same thing to Nicki Minaj and they're saying a little bit different."
So, stylists are telling you, while they are touching your ginormous ass and fake breasts that Nicki is stuffing her drawers?
This is a worthwhile conversation?
Especially when Coco has been accused of wearing a doubtful derriere. But then Coco and her husband Sweet T, are the "stars" of a new reality show, and maybe need a little press.
And what a way to get it. Haul out your massive ass, and then say someone else's massive ass is fake.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But........

I'm not an expert, but having babies must be hard, so I, for one, would wanna knock back a shot of tequila or two after poppin' out a Mini Me, much less two Mini Me's.

So that's apparently what happened with Mariah Carey after she gave birth to her her two Mini Mimi's, AKA Monroe and Moroccan on April 30.
Sidenote: Monroe is the girl? Moroccan is a boy? What happened to Mike and Sue? This makes Apple sound almost normal, and there ain't nothin' normal about Paltrow, m'kay?
Anyhoo, back to Nick and MooMoo, er, Mimi, er, Mariah, and their bundles of badly named babies. It seems that, while in the hospital, someone called Child Protective Services on the Nick and Mariah Carey.
Yes, I know, the last name is technically Cannon, but you know darn well that folks call him Mr. Carey and Mimi loves that.
But about that CPS call. Nick told Piers Morgan that "Child Protective Services actually came to me, [and] said that they were here to see me because there had been allegations that there was drug and alcohol use during the stay in the hospital."
Nick began the spin.
He said it was all a mistake because someone involved in Carey's care was overheard discussing a beer that ALLEGEDLY boosts breast milk production. But, um, we all know how Mimi loves her champagne--in fact, I thought she dubbed the offspring Dom and Veuve--so I wonder if Mimi was sippin' on the bubbly after spitting out the spuds.
Just sayin'.

You know, if you're an up-and-coming starlet or singer or dancer, or whatever it is that Ali Lohan thinks she wants to be today, you try to emulate someone who's gone before you and achieved success. You find a role model and say, "I wanna be like that." Then again, if you're Ali Lohan, who exactly do you have to look up to, if you get my meaning.

You can become a media whore like your mama, selling your children to the highest bidder and then championing them as they fight arrest after arrest and enter rehab like it's a summer holiday. Or, you can try to reinvent yourself as your sister, who's been accused of everything from car theft to possession of drugs to kidnapping to jewel theft to drug possession to being drunk in public to being a really bad actress.
Yup, those two are the women to whom Ali Lohan aspires to be.
It seems Ali joined the Star Tattoo club, and is the latest female Lohan, after Dina and Lindsanity, to get a star tattooed on her left wrist.
Nice, I guess, but it also marks another Ali-Lindsay link: doing something illegal. See, 17-year-old Ali lives in California where it's illegal to get inked if you're under eighteen, even with a parent's--I giggle, because Dina is so not a parent--consent..
Ali has tried her whole life to be Lindsay Jr. She began modeling as a baby, appeared in her big sister's music--I giggle because Lindsay can't sing--videos, and even tried her hand at being a singer herself. And ALLEGEDLY this wee star tattoo isn't Ali's first one. There are reports that she has the same 'bella vita' tat on her back that Lindsay has on hers.
Next up? A jailhouse tat like her sister.

Even actresses can get a little litigious.
Case in point: Rosie Perez says she was injured on the set of 'Law & Order: SVU' way back in 2009 and now she's taking legal action against the NBC show.
It seems Rosie was filming a guest role on the hit New York City-based crime drama when a scene called for an extra to forcibly shake her. Now, Rosie says the violent action caused her to suffer a herniated disc which took two surgeries to correct.
And she wants cash, only she doesn't have a clue as to how much.
Still, she says the shaking should have been done by a stuntman who knows how to handle these things and not just some no-named extra on-set that day. Perez's lawyer Brian O'Dwyer, says, "This person was not a stuntman, he was just an extra."
Trouble is, even after being injured Perez continued to work on the show, and now claims her injuries have worsened. O'Dwyer says, "There was pressure on her to continue and finish up the episode and she did."
I like me some Rosie Perez, but I have trouble with this. You get hurt at work, and say nothing ALLEGEDLY, and then continue to work, and then you sue for your injuries, without naming a specific amount of money. You just say you want "very substantial" damages.
Perez underwent two surgeries to correct the problem, and O'Dwyer says "She's still suffering severe pain, numbness of the arms, and she'll never be the same despite the surgery." He also says that the injury caused her to be unable to work for almost a year.
Now, again, I love Rosie, but it isn't like she's the in-demand actress, like say, a Jennifer Love Hewitt--who always seems to find a job--and again: You get hurt at work, stop working. You want to sue because you got hurt, how about suing only for your out of pocket medical bills.
I mean, to say you don't know how much money you want makes me think this is all about a payday.

It's the American idol Also-Ran Feud.
Former American Idol contestants Adam Lambert and James Durbin--neither of whom won the title--are trading jabs at one another in the press.

After James Durbin was voted off last week in the most shocking elimination in all of Idol history--I kid, because that title goes to the year JHud was voted off--Adam Lambert took issue with Durbin. In fact, he said he was tiring of Durbin as the competition wound down: “I think he’s got talent and passion 100 percent, but I feel like he’s trying way too hard. Also, his niche is so limited with the metal. When he did that “Heavy Metal” song (by Sammy Hagar), James was note-perfect. He was on pitch, which is usually kind of an issue, and I think he sounded really good, but it felt like a copycat. I didn’t feel like I was seeing an original artist yet. And I’m not saying he doesn’t have that in him, but it hasn’t been showing.”
Oh dear! The leather gloves have come off.
See, when Durbin heard this news, he responded to MTV with: “I was nothing (but) nice to that guy, [and] he decided to take it to a different level. Whatever.”
Whatever? I think Durbin needs some debating skills, rather than fall back on the all-encompassing 'whatever'. But he did try and distance himself from Lambert: “I don’t know what the comparison’s all about. He sings pop and electronic, and I sing rock and metal.”
And Lambert has a Grammy nod and you don't
And he has a hit record and you don't.
And he has a record deal and you don't
And he kissed a guy on TV.
Just sayin'.


Those wacky Grammers.
They've been so quiet since Kelsey quickly divorced former porn-star-turned-exotic-dancer-turned-Beverly-Hills-Housewife-turned-ex-wife so he could marry a women a few months older than his oldest daughter, that I thought all was lovely-dovey between the former spouses.
Not so much.

Kelsey Grammer just filed for sole physical custody of their two young children.
Camille responded with, How dare he! I'm their mother. No one loves that girl, Mary? Margaret? Whatever? than me. And that little boy, the younger one right? I love him with all my heart. In fact, I see them for lunch every other Thursday.
But now Kelsey Grammer believes that his children--and, Camille? They're names are Mason and Jude, so you might wanna jot than down--have been caught in the middle of an emotional tug of war between Former Missus Grammer, Mister Grammer, and Current Missus Grammer.
Kelsey, though, might have a hard time convincing a judge he should have sole custody. The children live in LA with their mother, while he lives in Chicago with the Fourth Missus...or Fifth? In fact, to be fair, Camille wanted to split custody, but that's hard when you live 2,000 miles apart.
How does Dad pick them up after school? In a Lear jet landing on the football field?

Hell hath no fury like a woman, or Charlie Sheen, scorned.
He has taken about a nanosecond to mock the decision to replace him on 'Two and a Half Men' with Ashton Kutcher. He has called the 'That '70s Show' alum a "sweetheart" but says the choice will bring the show down.

Really? I don't know if I buy that, because for years, drugs and hookers and rehab and bad press didn't bring the show down.
A friend of Charlie's--and by friend I mean coke-smuggling-porn-star--says, "He really thought that he would be invited back. After years of suffering no consequences for his behavior, why would he think anything else? Finally it has sunk in that he doesn't live by different rules to everyone else. Actions do have a consequences."
For his part, Ashton, while doing cartwheels and planning on how to spend his weekly five-figure salary, has been polite, saying "I can't replace Charlie Sheen but I'm going to work my ass off to entertain the hell out of people!"
Of course, drug-and-bipolar-fueled Charlie responded with, "Ashton Kutcher is a sweetheart and a brilliant comedic performer. Oh wait, so am I!! Enjoy the show America, Enjoy seeing 2.0 in the demo every Monday, WB. Enjoy planet Chuck, Ashton. There is no air, laughter, loyalty, or love there."
Yeah, it sounds like he's really trying to get his job back.
Winning!

Andy Dick used to be a TV star.
Now he stars in mug shots and bad press.

The latest shocker? Andy Dick is in trouble again for ALLEGEDLY crossing the line with a comedy fan down in Texas, who says, in a lawsuit, of course, that, during a show, Dick took out his dick, and put it on the man's head.
Andy Dick. Dick. Dickhead.
Just wanted to get them all out.
Robert Tucker, who filed his suit this week in Dallas County, says that back in December, he went to see Andy Dick's live comedy show, but wasn't at all entertained. He ALLEGES that the comedian was singing in a blond wig, black camisole and loose red skirt, and then came off-stage to mingle with the crowd. That's when the Dick's dick appeared.
It seems that Tucker, who stated the show wasn't very good, asked Andy Dick for an autograph while Dick was in the crowd, and, ALLEGEDLY, the comic replied to Tucker's request by sidling up close and kneeling on a tall bar stool, before opening the skirt, reveling that he was going commando, and then gently laid his genitals on Tucker's head.
Andy's Dick Dickhead.
The lawsuit explains: "Defendant Dick then, while still controlling Plaintiff's head with his hand, forced his genitals against the left side of Plaintiff's face." Tucker's lawsuit cites defamation of conduct and infliction of emotional distress, and seeks unspecified damages, or, at the very least, a phone call from Dick.
And flowers. Flowers would be nice.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But.....

I know. She's an idiot. I mean, she stashes cocaine in her vah-jay-jay. ALLEGEDLY.

But now, little Miss Paris Hilton is being blasted by Sarah Shahi, "star" of something called 'Fairly Legal', as being the "worst driver ever" because Paris ALLEGEDLY almost hit Shahi.
Trouble is, Paris says she wasn';t driving anywhere that day: "I was so shocked when I read that, too. First of all, I wasn't even driving that day. I just came back from Vegas with my boyfriend--and we were home relaxing. I hadn't even been in the car that day. I literally came with a driver from the airport went to my house."
Paris then lamented that perhaps it was someone who just looked like her.
Seriously? There's more than one vacuous blond bimbo with the IQ of soap and a cooch full of coke driving around LA.
Well........maybe.
Then  Paris goes on and on crying about the team of Paris look-a-likes "who do it for a living....always doing things and I'm getting blamed for it."
Marcia! Marcia! Marcia! 
Sarah Shahi won't back down, though, and ranted on Twitter--because how else do people communicate these days--about Hilton:
"Paris Hilton- worst driver ever. Almost hit me, then ran a stop sign.what if there was a kid around the corner, you dumb b--ch."
Shahi then called Paris a "horrible excuse for a human being" and a "blonde piece of sh-t".
Okay, so where's the rant? 

Because no one noticed, Kate Hudson announced she's engaged to Muse rocker, and her upcoming baby daddy, Matt Bellamy on The Today Show this week.

During a live interview with Matt Lauer, where Kate kept swatting her left hand through the air, Lauer finally broke down and mentioned the rock on her ring finger.
Hudson laughed: "It just happened a week ago, I'm so glad you noticed,. I haven't really announced it and I felt like the announcing thing feels so silly, and I was just waiting for someone to notice."
Which is why I've been batting my hand around like I'm hailing a freakin' cab before someone would ask me!!!!
Then Kate got all coy, refusing to discuss wedding dates or arrangements.
My guess is that she'll show up on Wendy Williams in a wedding dress and wait for Wendy to 'notice' it.
Just sayin'.

Talk about a fright.

Last October, Daniel Radcliffe admits he was terrified to hear Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling announce to Oprah that she might write another Harry Potter book, or two. Although Rowling has always insisted that she was done with seven books on the Junior Wizard, she said, "But you never know!"
Radcliffe was heard screaming, Every time I try to get out, they pull me back in!!!
After a team of paramedics revived him Radcliffe says he texted Rowling so her could clarify her comments. He won't say what she texted back, but I think it was along the lines of How did you get this number?
But it may take Rowling a long time to write books eight through forty-seven, and by the time they come to be filmed, Radcliffe will be too old to play a boy wizard.
At least that's what he hopes.

Glee spoilers! Glee spoilers!

And, no, Bret Easton Ellis hasn't been asked to write an episode.
But Mister Shue, Matthew Morrison, is talking about upcoming episodes, including the one where someone on the show will die.
Holy Moldavia Batman!
You mean someone more important that the Warbler mascot bird, Pavarotti?
Morrison says: "Somebody's dying. Obviously I'm not going to tell you who it is, but it's no-one that you would probably expect. The episode right before the finale is called 'Funeral'. We were actually at a funeral home yesterday, shooting all day. It was a very taxing day."
Someone.Dies.On.Glee?
What.Will.They.Sing?
Who do you think it is?

Talk about everything old being new again. or every old movie being made new again.
Former California Grope-enator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, is being shopped around Hollywood like a whore with a coke stash.

And Arnie is said to want to star in.....ANOTHER.....remake of 'The Terminator'. I guess he meant it when he said, "I'll be Bach."
And I thought he meant Johann Sebastian. Now that's a movie worth seeing.
Unfortunately there is no screenwriter attached yet, because most screenwriters are like, Um, this has been done, to death, and back again. But a director, ah, that's  a whore, er, horse of a different color has expressed interest. Apparently, Justin Lin, who is responsible for 'Fast Five'--the fifth installment of The Fast and The Furious, because four weren't enough--is getting wooed to helm the project.
Who's up for seeing Ah-nold back onscreen in Terminator: Rise Of The Man-Boobs?

Poor Lindsay.
After being sent back to the big house, er, the Lynwood Correctional Facility--where she was incarcerated for the unbelievable amount of five hours--Lohan is now crying that she's being punished because she's a celebrity.

Car thief? Jewel thief? Drug addict? Kidnapper?
Oh, yeah, how unfair.
A source close to Lindsay--and by source I mean Mama Dina who has a news crew permanently stationed in her home lest she go five minutes without publicity--says, "She is being treated differently from everyone else because she is famous. We were all in shock when she was forced to return to jail just to make an example out of her. It's not right. Especially when she is working so hard to live a healthy life."
Last week, a judge ruled that Lindsay, who has been accused of stealing a necklace, was in violation of probation and was jailed for five hours before someone--a drug dealer, I'm thinking, because she's his best client--got her out.
Dina, er, the source, adds, "She is innocent and can't understand what is going on. She didn't steal any necklace and will be found innocent. It's obvious this is only happening because she is famous and anyone that thinks celebrities get away with stuff or let off will think again after seeing this."
Hey Lindsay, listen up you utter moron: if you were Lindsay Lohan, working at the Forever 21 store in Dayton, Ohio, and had done all of the things you've done in your short stint of adulthood, you'd have been locked away for years.
Years.
So do not play this Poor me crap.
And do not make me go to my manicurist and have my Fuck You nail reapplied.
Please. Go to jail. Do not pass go. Do not talk, whine, cry.
You're over.


Rob Lowe, or, as he's known by his porn name, Raw Blow, must have a pretty selective memory. See, in his new auto-biography, 'Stories I Only Tell My Friends,' he conveniently glosses over his six-year relationship, engagement to, and loss of a child with, actress Melissa Gilbert.

Lucky for him Michael Landon isn't alive. He's take Lowe out behind the barn for a whoopin'.
In her tell-all, 'Prairie Tale,' Gilbert revealed she'd had three nose jobs by age 20, struggled with drugs and alcohol, and then wrote page after page about her love affair with Rob Lowe, including losing his child.
Rob Lowe, on the other hand, in his book, dishes about his Hollywood bromances with Charlie Sheen and Sean Penn, dining out with Chris Farley and many more important things than a  six-year relationship. Of course, he also makes scant mention of his infamous--because of the underage girls--sex tape.
In Melissa's book she mentions Rob Lowe 77 times.
In Lowe's book, he mentions Gilbert 4 times.
Guess the relationship and the miscarriage meant more to her?
She writes on and on that she "fell instantly, hopelessly and stupidly in love" with him, then wallows in the anguish of losing him. He talks about how, when Gilbert's mom tried to keep them apart, he began spending more time with Charlie Sheen and his brother, Emilio Estevez. He makes absolutely no mention of the length and intensity of their relationship, their brief engagement and Melissa's miscarriage.
I guess it meant more to her than to him. He had buddies to drink with and underage girls to screw.
Just sayin'.

Bon Jovi rocker Richie Sambora has checked himself into rehab. Again.

And not just for rocking the Jane Fonda in Klute wig. But, for, among other things, like, um, sobriety "issues". A source--and by source, I mean Denise Richards, because she's the go-to source for all things Sambora or Sheen--says, "Richie recently has been drinking too much, and wants to get his life together."
He also checked himself into rehab for exhaustion.
Exhaustion rehab? Seriously?
Is there a rehab for everything now, because I may need a Bravo rehab one of these days. Or a Logo rehab. Top Chef: Rehab.
But Sambora, who's been on tour with Bon Jovi, says he needs time to regroup. And take a nap. ALLEGEDLY.
A friend--Hi Denise--says: "Richie has had a busy year. I think this was a culmination of all the things that overloaded his life and finally he realized he needed to take care of himself."
This isn't Sambora's first time at the rehab rodeo. He made his first appearance at the career boosting rehabbing Cirque Lodge back in 2007, right after he divorced his wife, Heather Locklear, and broke up with his girlfriend, Denise Richards.
Maybe he needs a Blonde Starlet rehab?


This guy is a pig.
He thinks he might be the next Robert DeNiro, when he more like the next Robert DeLusional. But self-titled Hollywood bad boy, and wannabe movie star, Alex Pettyfer, has given an interview where he discusses everything, from a sad, sick tattoo, to his hatred for LA.

The star--hee hee, I giggle at that.....star....--of 'I Am Number Four'--remember when it was in theaters for an hour or so?--gave a candid interview to VMAN magazine where he revealed that he has a tattoo, right above his crotch that says, "Thank You".
I imagine the proper tattoo should have said, "That isn't a toothpick, it's my dick."
Pettyfer, ever the gentleman, says he got the tattoo, "in case I forget to say it."
Oh, honey, you don't have to say Thank you. Just leave the money on the nightstand. Or the passenger seat. Or the next urinal.
Pettyfer, who was once considered, by himself mostly, to be on the Hollywood fast-track to stardom, until his head got ginormous--making his penis appear even smaller--now says, "I really don't give a s**t about any of that. I wish I had some interesting stories about living in L.A., but mostly I just do my work and then go home. Being an actor is like being in prison. You go, you serve your time, you try and replicate Johnny Depp's career and then you move to Paris."
Oh, honey, you're no Johnny Depp. He has talent.
And it seems that Hollywood, like me, has developed a distaste for Pettyfer. After rumors of his ALLEGED erratic behavior, most bigwigs in Hollywood are steering clear of Pettyfer.
Unless they're wearing a Hazmat suit.

Looks like 'Two and a Half Men' will be back in the fall, and it will be Sheen-less.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

'Men' creator Chuck Lorre is ALLEGEDLY working on a reboot of the I-have-no-idea-why-it's-so-popular sitcom, and Sheen is out, though Jon Cryer, who without this would have no career whatsoever, is in.
Winning!
Cryer has ALLEGEDLY been presented with a plan that would focus on his character, Alan, and a new character--someone Sheen-like, but not Sheen--who has yet to be cast. Lorre has ALLEGEDLY presented  his idea to a few Hollywood players, and the network and studio are aware of his intention to overhaul the series.
Though no actor has emerged as the frontrunner to replace Sheen--both Rob Lowe and John Stamos were rumored--the network has yet to schedule the return of 'Two and a Half Men.'
But CBS could be eying it as a mid-season launch.
Or it, like Sheen, could just go away.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But.....

Poor Nicolas Cage. It looks like his crazy hair finally turned the rest of him completely nuts.It seems Little Nicky was arrested last weekend in Louisiana after an, er, altercation, with his wife of six years, Alice.

Nicky was ALLEGEDLY very drunk, prowling the tattoo parlors and bars of New Orleans when a taxi driver ALLEGEDLY spotted Mr and Mrs Hasbeen Actor arguing loudly in the streets. Sidenote: you'd have to argue pretty loudly to cause a disturbance on the streets of the French Quarter.
The cab driver watched the fight for a moment, but the minute Little Nicky shoved Mrs. Little Nicky, the cabbie called the police. Which then lead to a very odd confrontation between Cage and the authorities. The NOLA police, not wanting to make a big scene by arresting a formally huge star, repeatedly asked Cage to just leave quietly.
But Nicky wasn't having it. That's what the Dronk does to you. Cage ALLEGEDLY taunted the police into taking him into custody, refusing their requests for him to quietly go home. Instead, Mr. Big Shot Asshat kept asking, "Why don't you just arrest me?"
So they did. And Nicky and his hair were charged with disturbing the peace and domestic violence.
Nicky was kept in lockdown, awaiting a bail hearing while his wife ALLEGEDLY denied that any physical violence occurred, and refused to press charges. But Nicky is known for his public outbursts and rages. There was a blow-up on a movie set in Romania, as well as a previous bar fight in New Orleans last year.
And there is also his ongoing battle with the IRS, who claims Nicky owes them millions in back taxes. Also the wife of Nicky's first-born recently sued him for $13 million, ALLEGEDLY for back child support. And Nicky himself, probably knowing he needed the cash, filed suit for $20 million against his business manager, Samuel Levin--who simply said that Nicky lives beyond his means, and then filed a countersuit ALLEGING that Nicky was  continually advised to curtail his spending, including the purchases of yachts, Rolls Royce's and fifteen homes.
Nicky. Could your life get any more out of control?

Apparently it can.

Down in New Orleans, where Nicky Cage sat in jail, awaiting a bail hearing, reality TV star Dog the Bounty Hunter bailed him out by posting a bond of $11,000.
Really? A reality TV show star had to come to your rescue? Why not offer the bail judge a Rolls or a yacht in exchange for a Get Out Of Jail Free card?
Dog, AKA Duane Chapman, who never met a situation he didn't want to exploit for his own purposes, released a statement: "Media from around the world have been requesting interviews with me today after reports surfaced about my posting a bond for actor Nicolas Cage in New Orleans....I am a truly dedicated fan of Mr. Cage and will not be granting any interviews about my client as I wish to respect his privacy. I performed my duties as a bail bondsman and not in connection with our show."
In other words Here's what I did and how nice I am and how much I love brilliant [sarcasm] actor, Nicolas Cage, but I will not be talking about how I personally bailed him out and then called the media.
And then, after he said he would say no more, he added, "This is what I do for a living. There are two sides of my job: I release my clients after they have been arrested; and pick them up if they don't show up in court. I do not believe the latter will be the case for Mr. Cage."
Still, I'd keep Nicky on a short leash, Dog.
And, pardon my pessimism, but don't be surprised if you see Nicky in some big budget piece of trash movie where he plays a bounty hunter with bad hair--because he's got that part covered already--and one Duane Chapman is paid a handsome sum to be an advisor.
Just sayin'.

File this under: Wackadoo Mother-effers.

Ninety-four-year-old Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband, Prince [and he's not a real prince] Frederic von Anhalt, wants his wife to become a mother again by using an egg donor, artificial insemination and a surrogate mother.
No. Seriously. And, one wonders why.
Dollar signs.
Freddie the Freeloader says: "I've gone through the initial steps of donor matching and blood work and next week the donation process will begin."
I'm not the only one stunned by this news. Zsa Zsa's only child--or formerly her only child--Francesca Hilton, described herself as shocked when told of the plan: "That's just weird."
But Von Anhalt says he is working with Dr. Mark Surry of the Southern California Reproductive Center in Beverly Hills, and, in that fatherly toner that one gets while awaiting the birth of guaranteed inheritance rights, said: "I'm a retired guy. I can take care of it."
It?
He also says Gabor talked about adding a new baby to the family and he wants to carry out her wishes. But, Freddie, she talked about adding another child to the family twenty-five years ago, when she was in her sixties. To which, von Anhalt swears that Zsa Zsa, who is gravely ill, brought up the subject again only months ago.
And he just wants to make her happy, and get a little executor control on the estate when Zsa Zsa passes. Oh, but he says he's not doing it for the money, he's doing it because he wants someone to carry on the Gabor name, because, you know, it's famous, or something. Or at least was about fifty years ago.
Why doesn't Freddie just change his name to Greedy Gabor? Problem solved!

Interesting story out of the NYC this week.

Apparently, my Husband-in-my-head, Anderson "Randy Andy" Cooper, came home to find a drunk emptying his bladder all over the front door of Andy's building.
Andy was incensed by the smell of hot urine on mahogany and instantly called the police.
No, wait. He Tweeted about it first:
Just got home, found drunk guy peeing on my bldg front door. He asked for my pic. Instead I took his. Am tempted to tweet it out. Annoying!about 10 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®
Now, to be fair, I wasn't just peeing on his door.
i was marking my territory.
So, follow Andy on Twitter and let me know if he Tweets my pic. I hope Little Bob and I look good!

In this whole Charlie Sheen mess, who do I feel most sorry for?
Denise Richards? Nah, she's making millions off Crazy in child support and media attention.
Brooke Mueller, who ALLEGEDLY survived a Charlie Sheen knife attack?
Or maybe it's his kids. Not so much the ones with Denise, and not so much the one he had with some model way back when. But the twins he had with Mueller.
I mean, they're just babies and their Daddy has gone off the deep-end.
And now, so has Mommy.

It seems that Charlie's latest estranged wife, and mother to his twins, Brooke Mueller, has once again gone all Lohan and checked into rehab for another try.
Mueller entered rehab after a week of ALLEGED drug binging, followed by her refusal to submit to a drug test even though it was required under the terms of her custody settlement with Sheen.
Wow, lovely parents who need to have weekly drug tests.
Mueller's representatives--and by representative, I mean, of course, dealers--say the 33-year-old has ALLEGEDLY re-entered rehab as a precautionary step should Sheen's lawyers bring up the drug test issue in court.
Wow, nice spin. You check into rehab in case someone brings up the fact that you're a serial drug abuser?
This is Mueller's second stab at rehab. She had previously rehabbed for ALLEGED drug and alcohol abuse issues in 2010. And just last week, she was caught on camera last week trying to pawn a pricey watch and stereo equipment in an attempt to get some quick cash.
Quick cash for what, honey?
Well, as some of her 'friends' ALLEGE, Brooke is only using drugs again because of ALLEGED calls asking for clean urine and recent cash concerns.
So, she's using drugs because she's afraid of being drug tested?
Or she's using drugs, costly drugs, because she's worried about money?
Brooke Mueller receives $55,000 a month from Charlie Sheen.
Like I said, these two losers can have each other, but someone needs to take care of those kids. Maybe a nice gay couple?

Not so fast, I guess.

Charlie Sheen's lawyer--and, sheesh, that guy must be on speed dial--will ALLEGEDLY ask a judge to grant both legal and physical custody of the boys to Sheen because of Brooke's drug relapse.
Of course, it also occurs to Sheen that if he gets custody of his boys he wouldn't be shelling out 55K a month. And think how many hookers he could buy, especially now that he's out of a job.
And Charlie Sheen has found an unlikely ally during this new drama with Mueller: his ex-wife, mother to two of his other children, and ginormous media whore, Denise Richards. According to rumors, Richards ALLEGEDLY heard about Mueller's bizarre behavior and rehab stint and offered to help until the situation settled down.
Denise then ALLEGEDLY called Sheen and offered to take care of the twins and let them live with her while Sheen was on the road with his 'Torpedo of Truth' tour. He reportedly told her he'd "keep her posted" on the situation.
I wonder if Denise also then asked for the 55K, too.
See, it is all about the money, not about those two boys and their drug-addicted parents.

This is funny.

M. Night Shyamalan, director of 1999's Oscar-nominated, 'The Sixth Sense,' was poised to be the Next Big Thing, the New Spielberg. He had no idea it would all be downhill from there.
Cut to 2010, where Night's latest movie, 'The Last Airbender', swept the film awards at a recent show. Only, it wasn't Oscar, or Golden Globe, or even BAFTA. He won all sorts of Razzies for his latest flop. Can it get any worse?
Oh, but it can.
Three movie fans are trying to raise $150,000 to send M. Night Shyamalan back to film school. It seems one of the fans--and I use that term loosely--came up with the idea after seeing a preview for a movie called 'Devil'. When the words "from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan" came up on-screen, the audience howled and an idea was born.
Baker was joined by two friends, one of whom developed the idea of "M. Night School" as a name for the website. When news broke that Shyamalan was daring to make yet another disaster--'1000 A.E.' starring 'Karate Kid' Jaden Smith and his dad, Will Smith--the trio went live with their campaign.
So far, the boys have raised just $520.
But, if you love movies, and realize that Shyamalan needs a little re-education in the art of filmmaking, please give....give til it hurts.
A man's career hangs in the balance.

As Lindsay Lohan awaits trial on a felony theft charge, she has something positive to look forward to in the near future: two possible movie deals. One, is a documentary called 'Prison Laundry' while the other is a cinema vérité piece called 'Drug Addict Jewel Thief'.
I kid.

Kind of. It seems that Hollywood producer Marc Fiore has Lohan in mind for, not one, but two, upcoming movies, one of which is the much-rumored 'Gotti' biopic: "I want Lindsay to be in 'Gotti' and another movie that I'm producing. She's a great, great actress."
I did not make up that last line. Seriously.I.Did.Not.
To her credit, Lohan, desperate to be seen as more of an actress than a criminal, is quite interested in the role of Victoria Gotti. In fact, she even showed up unannounced and uninvited to stand next to Victoria Gotti at a press event.
Balls.Of.Steel.
Fiore also hopes to see Lohan in is 'Mob Street,' a Wall Street-centered mafia flick written by Chazz Palminteri.
Funny. All these movies, and Lindsay would be playing criminals, or relatives of criminals. Who says art doesn't imitate life?

But not anymore. It looks like there's one contract that even the Gotti family won't take out.

Lindsay Lohan is no longer up for the role of Victoria Gotti, daughter of legendary mob boss John Gotti, in the upcoming film 'Gotti: Three Generations.'
After trumpeting Lindsay as the most talented actress ever and saying he wanted to work with her over and over again, producer Mark Fiore now says: "We are not talking any further about Lindsay playing Victoria. She is no longer being considered. The talks have stopped. We are going to meet with other people."
Ouch. Dina must be rolling over in her grave.
Cuz she's like a vampire, I mean.
It seems only days ago that Lohan showed up unwelcome and unwanted at a press conference with Victoria Gotti and John Travolta. And it was only days ago that both Gotti and Miss Travolta sang the actress's praises, with Gotti saying: "I think she's doing great; I think she's going to continue to do great and she's got a lot of people rooting for her."
Those people rooting for her are all the people to whom she owes money.
Travolta added, "I've always thought [Lohan] was gorgeous and talented and filled with a lot of depth. So, I think that whatever she would like to do would be great with me."
What she'd like to do to Travolta is befriend him and then break into his house and steal all the costumes he wore as Big Edna in 'Hairspray'.
 Just sayin'.

How do you follow up being a media whore on a reality TV show, scamming your way into the White House, trying out for a rehab show only to be let go because you aren't addicted to anything other than fame and then finding out that your first reality show has been canceled?

What's a fame-hungry girl like Michaele Salahi to do? Pose for Playboy, of course. Because the world wants to see her rib cage and fake tatas. Only, even Playboy has standards.
Salahi, the now canceled fame-whore of the 'Real Housewives of DC' star, and self-described former model--I giggle at that--recently shot a series of sexy pictures and sent them to Playboy along with a letter begging to be in the magazine.
Hef.Said.No.
A source close to the magazine--and by source I mean the guy that strategically places the bunny logo onto every Playboy cover--says that Michaele was informed via email: "There is no opportunity this calendar year to offer you a cover opportunity or place for your pictorial."
They added: "So here are your skanky pictures back and we'll be sending you the bill from out opthalmologist who treated our eyes for severe retina burns after viewing your picture."
Not to be out-done in the media-whore-ness department, Michaele's chubby asshat hubby Tareq also sent nudie pics of himself to Playgirl.
They're still dealing with the stench of a group vomit over there.

We all know that Justin Timberlake lost his beard.
He broke up with Jessica Biel.
Now, there are reports that JT is ALLEGEDLY losing his hair.

Timberlake, who used to rock the curls, has now taken to wearing his hair closely cropped; and by closely cropped, I mean scalp-length.
A friend--and by friend I mean a bartender at the Ramrod--says Timberlake is mortified by his thinning hair and that is the reason for his very close haircuts: "He's keeping his hair super-short so no one notices."
Oh, honey, we noticed.
Timberlake's "friend" adds: "He's using specially formulated shampoo to promote hair growth. He certainly doesn't want to go bald!"
Oh, butcha'are Blanche, butcha'are goin' bald.
But, at least he's working on the beard loss. He has ALLEGEDLY been trying to hook-up with his 'Friends with Benefits' co-star Mila Kunis, but she refused his advances, saying, "Ewwwwwww." And he has also been seen with 'Tron: Legacy' star Olivia Wilde, who, through a friend, said, "Ewwww."
Just sayin'.

This story warms my cold, tiny, pus-filled, stone-like heart.

A group of people, ALLEGEDLY paid by Gwyneth Paltrow to be The Friends Of Gwyneth Paltrow, showed up at a dinner party to collect a paycheck and "celebrate" the actress-singer-blogger-maniacal-egotist's cookbook, 'My Father's Daughter.'
Employees of Paltrow, like Jay-Z, Cameron Diaz, Alex Rodriguez and Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld all told stories of how Gwynnie is not like the rest of us. She's better.
But one person, ALLEGEDLY not on the payroll, showed up, and wasn't that impressed by Missy P and all her holier-than-thou-ness. And that someone was none-other than Mr. Gwyneth Paltrow, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin. Martin ALLEGEDLY arrived cranky and his publicist warned, "he doesn't want to talk."

A party filled with people paid to praise his wife and Chris doesn't want to talk? I think I love him. But it is a little odd when your own hubby doesn't want to talk at a party promoting you, isn't it?
Luckily, the other employees loved talking Gwyneth.
Jessica Seinfeld, obviously angling for a substantial year-end bonus, ALLEGEDLY told the crowd how lucky they were to be invited: "You are all so lucky to be part of Gwyneth's world. Because this is the real deal. And she's invited all of you good people in here. I would never do that."
Then supermodel Christy Turlington reveled in how Gwyneth is a whiz when it comes to killing lobsters--and by lobsters, I, of course, mean employees who don't follow protocol: "It's not the boiling-in-the-pot-and-screaming lobster thing. It's a different, faster approach. You stick a knife through the head."
Sounds like a Gwynnie mob hit.
Even Michael Stipe played dutiful paid guest: "Once, a duck she was cooking caught fire, and she threw it in the pool."
Along with a party goer who looked hotter than Gwyneth, and another guest who didn't bow and scrape properly.
Still, amidst all this paid advertisement, and praise for All Things Paltrow, her husband, smart man that he is, hovered in a corner, sipping a Ketel One and Tonic and plotting his escape from Paltrow World.
Godspeed Chris. Godspeed.