I Ain't One To Gossip, But....

So it was just a few short weeks ago that we learned that the father of supermodel Linda Evangelista's four-year-old son, Augustin, was Francois-Henri Pinault, who is also the father of his wife, Salma Hayek's four-year-old daughter, Valentina.

The story everyone is sticking to is that the day or so after Francois-Henri knocked up Salma, the two decided to "take a break" and to Francois-Henri, that meant heading over to Linda's place and knocking her up, too. Now Linda wants child support for her baby boy, and is suing Pinault for payments of $46,000.00 a month.
I mean, come on, being the child of a supermodel requires big dough. Couture rompers and designer shoes for the boy could be very expensive, In fact, according to those in the know, it "would probably be the largest support order in the history of the Family Court.”
No kidding.
But when you consider Evangelista once uttered the line, I "don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day" well, then $46,000 for a month is chicken feed.
Pinault has yet to pay one penny in child support for Augustin, though for his daughter, Valentina, he spends $50,000 a month on a $12 million LA estate he keeps in trust for the little girl. And Evangelista wants her little boy to have a mansion just like his half-sister.
The majority of the monthly sum Evangelista is requesting would cover the round-the-clock nannies, because she doesn't have time for all that, as well as drivers and nursemaids and cooks and governesses and people to keep the child busy while Mommy goes out.
But Pinault, whose family is worth an estimated $11.5 billion, is fighting the expenditures tooth and nail. Like the cost of Evangelista's team of armed drivers for $175,000 a year, and the $80,000 a year she needs for a nanny. [Note to self: check out nanny ads].
The judge looked at Evangelista's requests and instantly erased the part where she asked for $7,500 for monthly “vacation” expenses, but ultimately seemed sympathetic to the security and nanny costs, noting that these may simply be the normal costs for raising a child in Manhattan whose mama don't wake up for less than 10K.
“How many hours a week do you work?” the judge asked Evangelista.
“On days when I do not work, I am working on my image,” Evangelista answered. “I have to hit the gym. I have beauty appointments. I have to work toward my next job and maintaining my image, just like an athlete.”
Poor thing. Drivers. Nannies. Gyms. Hair stylists, Makeup people.
Oh the humanity.

Poor Jennifer Lopez.
First the breakup, and then the slew on interviews where she tells us all how horrible it was being married to Marc Anthony, and how she struggled to get out, and struggled to get a $20 million paycheck for judging American Idol.

Oh.The.Horror.
In the string of  “exclusive but not really” pieces, JLo's peeps run rampant with the Poor JLo speech, and paint her as an innocent victim of the cruel Marc Anthony.
Now, maybe he was cruel, and maybe he was controlling, but the last thing Jennifer Lopez ever seems to be is a victim. I mean, she snatched the cover of Vanity Fair a nanosecond after she and Marc split, except those cover stories are often months in the making. So, did poor Jen leave her horrid hubby last month, or just after the first of the year?
Poor thing.
Next up, she'll be trolling her new piece of man candy, though people are speculating that it'll be an old piece of man candy, named Diddy, or Squiddy, or some such.
Poor Jen. My husband was mean so I went out and got a cover story and a raise and a new boyfriend because it was so hard on me, being married. Again.
Ad she's telling people that she wants for full custody of Max and Emme because Marc hasn’t even seen the kids since the split! But, um, maybe Marc hasn't seen his kids since the day the split was announced--not to be confused with the day of the actual split some months ago--because they’ve been traveling with J.Lo, to New York, to Europe where she was paid a cool million to sing at a rich guy's birthday party, and then to Miami where she's filming her next big flop movie, "What To Expect When You’re Expecting."
I'm expecting it to bomb.
 
Oh Lindsay.
House arrest just ended and you're already drunk in public.
it's nice to see things haven't changed.

More than a month ago, back when Lohan was under house arrest--and partying non-stop--she tested positive for alcohol during a court-ordered drug tests. She was forced to put down the vodka, strap on he Louboutins, and head back to court. She had some 'splaining to do.
But she got sent home with no more than a slap on the wrist because the judge said she was cool with Lohan guzzling vodka by the gallon, bathing with gin, and douching with tequila, but she had to stay away from crack and prescription meds. She could drink even though she's been in and out of rehab so often that the Betty Ford clinic now has a Lindsay Lohan Revolving Door.
And now she's free, and back to partying, and mending her  broken friendship with Paris Hilton. Yes, people, Firecrotch and Cocaine Cooch are friends again.
And after a three-day-drink-a-thon at Paris' house, Lohan appeared drunk and stumbling, or stumbling and drunk, outside the Chateau Marmont. Spies, and by spies, I mean Paris, who isn't really any one's friend, unless you have coke to stuff in her snatch, say Lohan was back in vintage form at the celebrity hangout. Lohan ALLEGEDLY “looked wobbly, and on her way back to her table outside stumbled over again. The next time she got up, hotel security had to give her a hand.”
Naturally, Lohan’s rep, AKA MomWhore Dina, said, "As usual, a pack of lies from people with nothing better to do with their lives than make up stories about a famous person.”
Honey, they aren't making up stories about a famous person, they're making up stories about Lindsay Lohan.

And now, on to our male Lindsay Lohan, serial rehabber, Jonathan Rhys Meyers.
Rumors swirled at the beginning of summer that alcohol abuser Meyers was almost suicidal, between the drugs and the booze. It was back in June when police and paramedics were called to Meyer’s London home because, according to various sources, he had overdosed on pills.

But he was conscious when help arrived, and tried to refuse help, but was ultimately taken to a hospital where he ALLEGEDLY had his stomach pumped, and then was released. Some called it a “suicide attempt” but others say it was just another weekend for Meyers.
Now, however, comes new video of Meyers, wasted, and singing Bob Marley tunes in a pub. It seems that Meyers met a group of new friends, read: strangers, at the pub, where they all got  hammered, and then he took the party to a private home, where someone videotaped Meyers drinking cans of cider and trying to sing “No Woman No Cry”.
This just weeks after the ALLEGED suicide attempt.
This is not good. He's on the Lindsay Lohan Plan, having been in and out of rehab FIVE times.
Sad to say, but I envision a scene like the one in Valley of the Dolls, when Neely O'Hara meets former movie idol, Tony Polar, at a sanitarium. Only this time, the scene is real, and it's Meyers and Lohan.

I'm not a fan of Miss Justin Timberlake. i think she's fond enough of herself for the both of us. And stories like this don't make me think of any more highly, though definitely more lowly, of the diva.

During a recent night out at The Boom Boom Room, a source--and by source I mean Britney Spears who was sitting under a table in the corner chewing her hair--said, “He was really in a terrible mood. He was awful to the staff, making unreasonable demands and acting like a total prince.”
Princess.
And you'd have thought he would have been a total angel, given that the party was the premiere of his new smash hit....i kid.....movie, Friends With Benefits. However, the singer/actor/dancer/clothing designer/serial SNL host/asshat was in a rotten mood and complained about everything.
The champagne was flat. So was the second glass. Even after the waitress opened a brand new bottle in front of Miss Thang, she was not happy. In fact, he loudly announced that he would lower himself to drinking the champagne because he was “sick of dealing" with the waitress.
Understandably, everyone, from the bar staff, to his friends, and even his mama, was relieved when Miss T left the party, though many heard Miss Justin warning his driver that if he wasn’t parked right outside the front door, he would “lose his s***!”
Oh, honey, you've already lost it.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But.....

Poor Nicolas Cage. It looks like his crazy hair finally turned the rest of him completely nuts.It seems Little Nicky was arrested last weekend in Louisiana after an, er, altercation, with his wife of six years, Alice.

Nicky was ALLEGEDLY very drunk, prowling the tattoo parlors and bars of New Orleans when a taxi driver ALLEGEDLY spotted Mr and Mrs Hasbeen Actor arguing loudly in the streets. Sidenote: you'd have to argue pretty loudly to cause a disturbance on the streets of the French Quarter.
The cab driver watched the fight for a moment, but the minute Little Nicky shoved Mrs. Little Nicky, the cabbie called the police. Which then lead to a very odd confrontation between Cage and the authorities. The NOLA police, not wanting to make a big scene by arresting a formally huge star, repeatedly asked Cage to just leave quietly.
But Nicky wasn't having it. That's what the Dronk does to you. Cage ALLEGEDLY taunted the police into taking him into custody, refusing their requests for him to quietly go home. Instead, Mr. Big Shot Asshat kept asking, "Why don't you just arrest me?"
So they did. And Nicky and his hair were charged with disturbing the peace and domestic violence.
Nicky was kept in lockdown, awaiting a bail hearing while his wife ALLEGEDLY denied that any physical violence occurred, and refused to press charges. But Nicky is known for his public outbursts and rages. There was a blow-up on a movie set in Romania, as well as a previous bar fight in New Orleans last year.
And there is also his ongoing battle with the IRS, who claims Nicky owes them millions in back taxes. Also the wife of Nicky's first-born recently sued him for $13 million, ALLEGEDLY for back child support. And Nicky himself, probably knowing he needed the cash, filed suit for $20 million against his business manager, Samuel Levin--who simply said that Nicky lives beyond his means, and then filed a countersuit ALLEGING that Nicky was  continually advised to curtail his spending, including the purchases of yachts, Rolls Royce's and fifteen homes.
Nicky. Could your life get any more out of control?

Apparently it can.

Down in New Orleans, where Nicky Cage sat in jail, awaiting a bail hearing, reality TV star Dog the Bounty Hunter bailed him out by posting a bond of $11,000.
Really? A reality TV show star had to come to your rescue? Why not offer the bail judge a Rolls or a yacht in exchange for a Get Out Of Jail Free card?
Dog, AKA Duane Chapman, who never met a situation he didn't want to exploit for his own purposes, released a statement: "Media from around the world have been requesting interviews with me today after reports surfaced about my posting a bond for actor Nicolas Cage in New Orleans....I am a truly dedicated fan of Mr. Cage and will not be granting any interviews about my client as I wish to respect his privacy. I performed my duties as a bail bondsman and not in connection with our show."
In other words Here's what I did and how nice I am and how much I love brilliant [sarcasm] actor, Nicolas Cage, but I will not be talking about how I personally bailed him out and then called the media.
And then, after he said he would say no more, he added, "This is what I do for a living. There are two sides of my job: I release my clients after they have been arrested; and pick them up if they don't show up in court. I do not believe the latter will be the case for Mr. Cage."
Still, I'd keep Nicky on a short leash, Dog.
And, pardon my pessimism, but don't be surprised if you see Nicky in some big budget piece of trash movie where he plays a bounty hunter with bad hair--because he's got that part covered already--and one Duane Chapman is paid a handsome sum to be an advisor.
Just sayin'.

File this under: Wackadoo Mother-effers.

Ninety-four-year-old Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband, Prince [and he's not a real prince] Frederic von Anhalt, wants his wife to become a mother again by using an egg donor, artificial insemination and a surrogate mother.
No. Seriously. And, one wonders why.
Dollar signs.
Freddie the Freeloader says: "I've gone through the initial steps of donor matching and blood work and next week the donation process will begin."
I'm not the only one stunned by this news. Zsa Zsa's only child--or formerly her only child--Francesca Hilton, described herself as shocked when told of the plan: "That's just weird."
But Von Anhalt says he is working with Dr. Mark Surry of the Southern California Reproductive Center in Beverly Hills, and, in that fatherly toner that one gets while awaiting the birth of guaranteed inheritance rights, said: "I'm a retired guy. I can take care of it."
It?
He also says Gabor talked about adding a new baby to the family and he wants to carry out her wishes. But, Freddie, she talked about adding another child to the family twenty-five years ago, when she was in her sixties. To which, von Anhalt swears that Zsa Zsa, who is gravely ill, brought up the subject again only months ago.
And he just wants to make her happy, and get a little executor control on the estate when Zsa Zsa passes. Oh, but he says he's not doing it for the money, he's doing it because he wants someone to carry on the Gabor name, because, you know, it's famous, or something. Or at least was about fifty years ago.
Why doesn't Freddie just change his name to Greedy Gabor? Problem solved!

Interesting story out of the NYC this week.

Apparently, my Husband-in-my-head, Anderson "Randy Andy" Cooper, came home to find a drunk emptying his bladder all over the front door of Andy's building.
Andy was incensed by the smell of hot urine on mahogany and instantly called the police.
No, wait. He Tweeted about it first:
Just got home, found drunk guy peeing on my bldg front door. He asked for my pic. Instead I took his. Am tempted to tweet it out. Annoying!about 10 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®
Now, to be fair, I wasn't just peeing on his door.
i was marking my territory.
So, follow Andy on Twitter and let me know if he Tweets my pic. I hope Little Bob and I look good!

In this whole Charlie Sheen mess, who do I feel most sorry for?
Denise Richards? Nah, she's making millions off Crazy in child support and media attention.
Brooke Mueller, who ALLEGEDLY survived a Charlie Sheen knife attack?
Or maybe it's his kids. Not so much the ones with Denise, and not so much the one he had with some model way back when. But the twins he had with Mueller.
I mean, they're just babies and their Daddy has gone off the deep-end.
And now, so has Mommy.

It seems that Charlie's latest estranged wife, and mother to his twins, Brooke Mueller, has once again gone all Lohan and checked into rehab for another try.
Mueller entered rehab after a week of ALLEGED drug binging, followed by her refusal to submit to a drug test even though it was required under the terms of her custody settlement with Sheen.
Wow, lovely parents who need to have weekly drug tests.
Mueller's representatives--and by representative, I mean, of course, dealers--say the 33-year-old has ALLEGEDLY re-entered rehab as a precautionary step should Sheen's lawyers bring up the drug test issue in court.
Wow, nice spin. You check into rehab in case someone brings up the fact that you're a serial drug abuser?
This is Mueller's second stab at rehab. She had previously rehabbed for ALLEGED drug and alcohol abuse issues in 2010. And just last week, she was caught on camera last week trying to pawn a pricey watch and stereo equipment in an attempt to get some quick cash.
Quick cash for what, honey?
Well, as some of her 'friends' ALLEGE, Brooke is only using drugs again because of ALLEGED calls asking for clean urine and recent cash concerns.
So, she's using drugs because she's afraid of being drug tested?
Or she's using drugs, costly drugs, because she's worried about money?
Brooke Mueller receives $55,000 a month from Charlie Sheen.
Like I said, these two losers can have each other, but someone needs to take care of those kids. Maybe a nice gay couple?

Not so fast, I guess.

Charlie Sheen's lawyer--and, sheesh, that guy must be on speed dial--will ALLEGEDLY ask a judge to grant both legal and physical custody of the boys to Sheen because of Brooke's drug relapse.
Of course, it also occurs to Sheen that if he gets custody of his boys he wouldn't be shelling out 55K a month. And think how many hookers he could buy, especially now that he's out of a job.
And Charlie Sheen has found an unlikely ally during this new drama with Mueller: his ex-wife, mother to two of his other children, and ginormous media whore, Denise Richards. According to rumors, Richards ALLEGEDLY heard about Mueller's bizarre behavior and rehab stint and offered to help until the situation settled down.
Denise then ALLEGEDLY called Sheen and offered to take care of the twins and let them live with her while Sheen was on the road with his 'Torpedo of Truth' tour. He reportedly told her he'd "keep her posted" on the situation.
I wonder if Denise also then asked for the 55K, too.
See, it is all about the money, not about those two boys and their drug-addicted parents.

This is funny.

M. Night Shyamalan, director of 1999's Oscar-nominated, 'The Sixth Sense,' was poised to be the Next Big Thing, the New Spielberg. He had no idea it would all be downhill from there.
Cut to 2010, where Night's latest movie, 'The Last Airbender', swept the film awards at a recent show. Only, it wasn't Oscar, or Golden Globe, or even BAFTA. He won all sorts of Razzies for his latest flop. Can it get any worse?
Oh, but it can.
Three movie fans are trying to raise $150,000 to send M. Night Shyamalan back to film school. It seems one of the fans--and I use that term loosely--came up with the idea after seeing a preview for a movie called 'Devil'. When the words "from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan" came up on-screen, the audience howled and an idea was born.
Baker was joined by two friends, one of whom developed the idea of "M. Night School" as a name for the website. When news broke that Shyamalan was daring to make yet another disaster--'1000 A.E.' starring 'Karate Kid' Jaden Smith and his dad, Will Smith--the trio went live with their campaign.
So far, the boys have raised just $520.
But, if you love movies, and realize that Shyamalan needs a little re-education in the art of filmmaking, please give....give til it hurts.
A man's career hangs in the balance.

As Lindsay Lohan awaits trial on a felony theft charge, she has something positive to look forward to in the near future: two possible movie deals. One, is a documentary called 'Prison Laundry' while the other is a cinema vérité piece called 'Drug Addict Jewel Thief'.
I kid.

Kind of. It seems that Hollywood producer Marc Fiore has Lohan in mind for, not one, but two, upcoming movies, one of which is the much-rumored 'Gotti' biopic: "I want Lindsay to be in 'Gotti' and another movie that I'm producing. She's a great, great actress."
I did not make up that last line. Seriously.I.Did.Not.
To her credit, Lohan, desperate to be seen as more of an actress than a criminal, is quite interested in the role of Victoria Gotti. In fact, she even showed up unannounced and uninvited to stand next to Victoria Gotti at a press event.
Balls.Of.Steel.
Fiore also hopes to see Lohan in is 'Mob Street,' a Wall Street-centered mafia flick written by Chazz Palminteri.
Funny. All these movies, and Lindsay would be playing criminals, or relatives of criminals. Who says art doesn't imitate life?

But not anymore. It looks like there's one contract that even the Gotti family won't take out.

Lindsay Lohan is no longer up for the role of Victoria Gotti, daughter of legendary mob boss John Gotti, in the upcoming film 'Gotti: Three Generations.'
After trumpeting Lindsay as the most talented actress ever and saying he wanted to work with her over and over again, producer Mark Fiore now says: "We are not talking any further about Lindsay playing Victoria. She is no longer being considered. The talks have stopped. We are going to meet with other people."
Ouch. Dina must be rolling over in her grave.
Cuz she's like a vampire, I mean.
It seems only days ago that Lohan showed up unwelcome and unwanted at a press conference with Victoria Gotti and John Travolta. And it was only days ago that both Gotti and Miss Travolta sang the actress's praises, with Gotti saying: "I think she's doing great; I think she's going to continue to do great and she's got a lot of people rooting for her."
Those people rooting for her are all the people to whom she owes money.
Travolta added, "I've always thought [Lohan] was gorgeous and talented and filled with a lot of depth. So, I think that whatever she would like to do would be great with me."
What she'd like to do to Travolta is befriend him and then break into his house and steal all the costumes he wore as Big Edna in 'Hairspray'.
 Just sayin'.

How do you follow up being a media whore on a reality TV show, scamming your way into the White House, trying out for a rehab show only to be let go because you aren't addicted to anything other than fame and then finding out that your first reality show has been canceled?

What's a fame-hungry girl like Michaele Salahi to do? Pose for Playboy, of course. Because the world wants to see her rib cage and fake tatas. Only, even Playboy has standards.
Salahi, the now canceled fame-whore of the 'Real Housewives of DC' star, and self-described former model--I giggle at that--recently shot a series of sexy pictures and sent them to Playboy along with a letter begging to be in the magazine.
Hef.Said.No.
A source close to the magazine--and by source I mean the guy that strategically places the bunny logo onto every Playboy cover--says that Michaele was informed via email: "There is no opportunity this calendar year to offer you a cover opportunity or place for your pictorial."
They added: "So here are your skanky pictures back and we'll be sending you the bill from out opthalmologist who treated our eyes for severe retina burns after viewing your picture."
Not to be out-done in the media-whore-ness department, Michaele's chubby asshat hubby Tareq also sent nudie pics of himself to Playgirl.
They're still dealing with the stench of a group vomit over there.

We all know that Justin Timberlake lost his beard.
He broke up with Jessica Biel.
Now, there are reports that JT is ALLEGEDLY losing his hair.

Timberlake, who used to rock the curls, has now taken to wearing his hair closely cropped; and by closely cropped, I mean scalp-length.
A friend--and by friend I mean a bartender at the Ramrod--says Timberlake is mortified by his thinning hair and that is the reason for his very close haircuts: "He's keeping his hair super-short so no one notices."
Oh, honey, we noticed.
Timberlake's "friend" adds: "He's using specially formulated shampoo to promote hair growth. He certainly doesn't want to go bald!"
Oh, butcha'are Blanche, butcha'are goin' bald.
But, at least he's working on the beard loss. He has ALLEGEDLY been trying to hook-up with his 'Friends with Benefits' co-star Mila Kunis, but she refused his advances, saying, "Ewwwwwww." And he has also been seen with 'Tron: Legacy' star Olivia Wilde, who, through a friend, said, "Ewwww."
Just sayin'.

This story warms my cold, tiny, pus-filled, stone-like heart.

A group of people, ALLEGEDLY paid by Gwyneth Paltrow to be The Friends Of Gwyneth Paltrow, showed up at a dinner party to collect a paycheck and "celebrate" the actress-singer-blogger-maniacal-egotist's cookbook, 'My Father's Daughter.'
Employees of Paltrow, like Jay-Z, Cameron Diaz, Alex Rodriguez and Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld all told stories of how Gwynnie is not like the rest of us. She's better.
But one person, ALLEGEDLY not on the payroll, showed up, and wasn't that impressed by Missy P and all her holier-than-thou-ness. And that someone was none-other than Mr. Gwyneth Paltrow, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin. Martin ALLEGEDLY arrived cranky and his publicist warned, "he doesn't want to talk."

A party filled with people paid to praise his wife and Chris doesn't want to talk? I think I love him. But it is a little odd when your own hubby doesn't want to talk at a party promoting you, isn't it?
Luckily, the other employees loved talking Gwyneth.
Jessica Seinfeld, obviously angling for a substantial year-end bonus, ALLEGEDLY told the crowd how lucky they were to be invited: "You are all so lucky to be part of Gwyneth's world. Because this is the real deal. And she's invited all of you good people in here. I would never do that."
Then supermodel Christy Turlington reveled in how Gwyneth is a whiz when it comes to killing lobsters--and by lobsters, I, of course, mean employees who don't follow protocol: "It's not the boiling-in-the-pot-and-screaming lobster thing. It's a different, faster approach. You stick a knife through the head."
Sounds like a Gwynnie mob hit.
Even Michael Stipe played dutiful paid guest: "Once, a duck she was cooking caught fire, and she threw it in the pool."
Along with a party goer who looked hotter than Gwyneth, and another guest who didn't bow and scrape properly.
Still, amidst all this paid advertisement, and praise for All Things Paltrow, her husband, smart man that he is, hovered in a corner, sipping a Ketel One and Tonic and plotting his escape from Paltrow World.
Godspeed Chris. Godspeed.