I Ain't One To Gossip, But.....

I know. She's an idiot. I mean, she stashes cocaine in her vah-jay-jay. ALLEGEDLY.

But now, little Miss Paris Hilton is being blasted by Sarah Shahi, "star" of something called 'Fairly Legal', as being the "worst driver ever" because Paris ALLEGEDLY almost hit Shahi.
Trouble is, Paris says she wasn';t driving anywhere that day: "I was so shocked when I read that, too. First of all, I wasn't even driving that day. I just came back from Vegas with my boyfriend--and we were home relaxing. I hadn't even been in the car that day. I literally came with a driver from the airport went to my house."
Paris then lamented that perhaps it was someone who just looked like her.
Seriously? There's more than one vacuous blond bimbo with the IQ of soap and a cooch full of coke driving around LA.
Well........maybe.
Then  Paris goes on and on crying about the team of Paris look-a-likes "who do it for a living....always doing things and I'm getting blamed for it."
Marcia! Marcia! Marcia! 
Sarah Shahi won't back down, though, and ranted on Twitter--because how else do people communicate these days--about Hilton:
"Paris Hilton- worst driver ever. Almost hit me, then ran a stop sign.what if there was a kid around the corner, you dumb b--ch."
Shahi then called Paris a "horrible excuse for a human being" and a "blonde piece of sh-t".
Okay, so where's the rant? 

Because no one noticed, Kate Hudson announced she's engaged to Muse rocker, and her upcoming baby daddy, Matt Bellamy on The Today Show this week.

During a live interview with Matt Lauer, where Kate kept swatting her left hand through the air, Lauer finally broke down and mentioned the rock on her ring finger.
Hudson laughed: "It just happened a week ago, I'm so glad you noticed,. I haven't really announced it and I felt like the announcing thing feels so silly, and I was just waiting for someone to notice."
Which is why I've been batting my hand around like I'm hailing a freakin' cab before someone would ask me!!!!
Then Kate got all coy, refusing to discuss wedding dates or arrangements.
My guess is that she'll show up on Wendy Williams in a wedding dress and wait for Wendy to 'notice' it.
Just sayin'.

Talk about a fright.

Last October, Daniel Radcliffe admits he was terrified to hear Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling announce to Oprah that she might write another Harry Potter book, or two. Although Rowling has always insisted that she was done with seven books on the Junior Wizard, she said, "But you never know!"
Radcliffe was heard screaming, Every time I try to get out, they pull me back in!!!
After a team of paramedics revived him Radcliffe says he texted Rowling so her could clarify her comments. He won't say what she texted back, but I think it was along the lines of How did you get this number?
But it may take Rowling a long time to write books eight through forty-seven, and by the time they come to be filmed, Radcliffe will be too old to play a boy wizard.
At least that's what he hopes.

Glee spoilers! Glee spoilers!

And, no, Bret Easton Ellis hasn't been asked to write an episode.
But Mister Shue, Matthew Morrison, is talking about upcoming episodes, including the one where someone on the show will die.
Holy Moldavia Batman!
You mean someone more important that the Warbler mascot bird, Pavarotti?
Morrison says: "Somebody's dying. Obviously I'm not going to tell you who it is, but it's no-one that you would probably expect. The episode right before the finale is called 'Funeral'. We were actually at a funeral home yesterday, shooting all day. It was a very taxing day."
Someone.Dies.On.Glee?
What.Will.They.Sing?
Who do you think it is?

Talk about everything old being new again. or every old movie being made new again.
Former California Grope-enator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, is being shopped around Hollywood like a whore with a coke stash.

And Arnie is said to want to star in.....ANOTHER.....remake of 'The Terminator'. I guess he meant it when he said, "I'll be Bach."
And I thought he meant Johann Sebastian. Now that's a movie worth seeing.
Unfortunately there is no screenwriter attached yet, because most screenwriters are like, Um, this has been done, to death, and back again. But a director, ah, that's  a whore, er, horse of a different color has expressed interest. Apparently, Justin Lin, who is responsible for 'Fast Five'--the fifth installment of The Fast and The Furious, because four weren't enough--is getting wooed to helm the project.
Who's up for seeing Ah-nold back onscreen in Terminator: Rise Of The Man-Boobs?

Poor Lindsay.
After being sent back to the big house, er, the Lynwood Correctional Facility--where she was incarcerated for the unbelievable amount of five hours--Lohan is now crying that she's being punished because she's a celebrity.

Car thief? Jewel thief? Drug addict? Kidnapper?
Oh, yeah, how unfair.
A source close to Lindsay--and by source I mean Mama Dina who has a news crew permanently stationed in her home lest she go five minutes without publicity--says, "She is being treated differently from everyone else because she is famous. We were all in shock when she was forced to return to jail just to make an example out of her. It's not right. Especially when she is working so hard to live a healthy life."
Last week, a judge ruled that Lindsay, who has been accused of stealing a necklace, was in violation of probation and was jailed for five hours before someone--a drug dealer, I'm thinking, because she's his best client--got her out.
Dina, er, the source, adds, "She is innocent and can't understand what is going on. She didn't steal any necklace and will be found innocent. It's obvious this is only happening because she is famous and anyone that thinks celebrities get away with stuff or let off will think again after seeing this."
Hey Lindsay, listen up you utter moron: if you were Lindsay Lohan, working at the Forever 21 store in Dayton, Ohio, and had done all of the things you've done in your short stint of adulthood, you'd have been locked away for years.
Years.
So do not play this Poor me crap.
And do not make me go to my manicurist and have my Fuck You nail reapplied.
Please. Go to jail. Do not pass go. Do not talk, whine, cry.
You're over.


Rob Lowe, or, as he's known by his porn name, Raw Blow, must have a pretty selective memory. See, in his new auto-biography, 'Stories I Only Tell My Friends,' he conveniently glosses over his six-year relationship, engagement to, and loss of a child with, actress Melissa Gilbert.

Lucky for him Michael Landon isn't alive. He's take Lowe out behind the barn for a whoopin'.
In her tell-all, 'Prairie Tale,' Gilbert revealed she'd had three nose jobs by age 20, struggled with drugs and alcohol, and then wrote page after page about her love affair with Rob Lowe, including losing his child.
Rob Lowe, on the other hand, in his book, dishes about his Hollywood bromances with Charlie Sheen and Sean Penn, dining out with Chris Farley and many more important things than a  six-year relationship. Of course, he also makes scant mention of his infamous--because of the underage girls--sex tape.
In Melissa's book she mentions Rob Lowe 77 times.
In Lowe's book, he mentions Gilbert 4 times.
Guess the relationship and the miscarriage meant more to her?
She writes on and on that she "fell instantly, hopelessly and stupidly in love" with him, then wallows in the anguish of losing him. He talks about how, when Gilbert's mom tried to keep them apart, he began spending more time with Charlie Sheen and his brother, Emilio Estevez. He makes absolutely no mention of the length and intensity of their relationship, their brief engagement and Melissa's miscarriage.
I guess it meant more to her than to him. He had buddies to drink with and underage girls to screw.
Just sayin'.

Bon Jovi rocker Richie Sambora has checked himself into rehab. Again.

And not just for rocking the Jane Fonda in Klute wig. But, for, among other things, like, um, sobriety "issues". A source--and by source, I mean Denise Richards, because she's the go-to source for all things Sambora or Sheen--says, "Richie recently has been drinking too much, and wants to get his life together."
He also checked himself into rehab for exhaustion.
Exhaustion rehab? Seriously?
Is there a rehab for everything now, because I may need a Bravo rehab one of these days. Or a Logo rehab. Top Chef: Rehab.
But Sambora, who's been on tour with Bon Jovi, says he needs time to regroup. And take a nap. ALLEGEDLY.
A friend--Hi Denise--says: "Richie has had a busy year. I think this was a culmination of all the things that overloaded his life and finally he realized he needed to take care of himself."
This isn't Sambora's first time at the rehab rodeo. He made his first appearance at the career boosting rehabbing Cirque Lodge back in 2007, right after he divorced his wife, Heather Locklear, and broke up with his girlfriend, Denise Richards.
Maybe he needs a Blonde Starlet rehab?


This guy is a pig.
He thinks he might be the next Robert DeNiro, when he more like the next Robert DeLusional. But self-titled Hollywood bad boy, and wannabe movie star, Alex Pettyfer, has given an interview where he discusses everything, from a sad, sick tattoo, to his hatred for LA.

The star--hee hee, I giggle at that.....star....--of 'I Am Number Four'--remember when it was in theaters for an hour or so?--gave a candid interview to VMAN magazine where he revealed that he has a tattoo, right above his crotch that says, "Thank You".
I imagine the proper tattoo should have said, "That isn't a toothpick, it's my dick."
Pettyfer, ever the gentleman, says he got the tattoo, "in case I forget to say it."
Oh, honey, you don't have to say Thank you. Just leave the money on the nightstand. Or the passenger seat. Or the next urinal.
Pettyfer, who was once considered, by himself mostly, to be on the Hollywood fast-track to stardom, until his head got ginormous--making his penis appear even smaller--now says, "I really don't give a s**t about any of that. I wish I had some interesting stories about living in L.A., but mostly I just do my work and then go home. Being an actor is like being in prison. You go, you serve your time, you try and replicate Johnny Depp's career and then you move to Paris."
Oh, honey, you're no Johnny Depp. He has talent.
And it seems that Hollywood, like me, has developed a distaste for Pettyfer. After rumors of his ALLEGED erratic behavior, most bigwigs in Hollywood are steering clear of Pettyfer.
Unless they're wearing a Hazmat suit.

Looks like 'Two and a Half Men' will be back in the fall, and it will be Sheen-less.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

'Men' creator Chuck Lorre is ALLEGEDLY working on a reboot of the I-have-no-idea-why-it's-so-popular sitcom, and Sheen is out, though Jon Cryer, who without this would have no career whatsoever, is in.
Winning!
Cryer has ALLEGEDLY been presented with a plan that would focus on his character, Alan, and a new character--someone Sheen-like, but not Sheen--who has yet to be cast. Lorre has ALLEGEDLY presented  his idea to a few Hollywood players, and the network and studio are aware of his intention to overhaul the series.
Though no actor has emerged as the frontrunner to replace Sheen--both Rob Lowe and John Stamos were rumored--the network has yet to schedule the return of 'Two and a Half Men.'
But CBS could be eying it as a mid-season launch.
Or it, like Sheen, could just go away.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But......

Wow, am I shocked.
Charlie Sheen's, um, yeah, 'tour' is a bit of a bomb.

Opening night in Detroit saw a sold-out crowd of more than 4,500 packed into the Fox Theater, dying to see the trainwreck perform, um, live. But from all reports, it was a thoroughly disastrous night for the "warlock."
Some audience members, obviously the ones who've been screaming at their TV sets during Charlie's wackadoo interviews, began the show by heckling the warm-up guy. It got so ugly, in fact, that someone woke Charlie from a drug-induced coma and shoved him onstage and reprimand the crowd--to no avail.
The comic was booed off the stage, and house lights soon came up, causing the impatient masses to grow even more restless, as they waited for the Sheen Show to start.
And, finally, when the headliner launched into his first 'Violent Torpedo of Truth' performances--more than an hour after the disjointed show first started--the ovation turned to boos and jeers and walkouts.
Quelle surprise!
Many in the crowd demanded their money back--and let me say this, if you paid money to see Charlie Sheen....Charlie Effin' Sheen...and felt taken, too bad--but were denied.
But many of those demanding s refund might have wanted the money to spend on souvenirs, and by souvenirs,m I don't mean bricks of cocaine; those all go directly to Sheen. But you could buy t-shirts emblazoned with Charlie-isms like "F---ing Brilliant!" and "I'm on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen".
And me, nowhere near Detroit. Boo-freaking-hoo.
The, um, 'show,' such as it was featured scores of video clips, including fan tributes from YouTube, violent film excerpts and one of Sheen just playing Call of Duty. As the crowds began to rant and rave about the horrid performance, Sheen told them, "I've already got your money!"
And sent it straight up his nose.
Other Charlie-isms, for which Detroitians paid $45:
"Tonight is an experiment"
"I am finally here to identify and train the Vatican assassin locked inside each and every one of you"
"Show of hands here who has tried crack? :::crickets::: I don't do crack anymore, but this is a good f---ing night to do some crack"
Is anybody else as confused by this s--t as I am? I wrote every word!"
OMG He is high-larious. See what i did there? High...........larious?


And speaking of trainwrecks, wannabes, and whores.

Heidi Montag, Jake Pavelka, and Danielle Staub are apparently starring in their own reality show. Or, maybe because they're all famewhores they just gathered togetherher and paid people to film them.
Montag, best known for using plastic surgery to transform herself from a pretty young girl into an inflatable sex doll with the IQ of a bar of soap, sat alongside Pavelka, who is best known for speed dating through twenty-six women and falling in love with one and then proposing and then breaking it off and then calling her all sorts of evil names on TV.
He's.A.Keeper.
Not far behind was former Real Housewives of New Jersey's very own Danielle Staub, AKA prostitution whore, drug mule, and star of her own poorly selling sex tape.
Heidi, Jake and Danielle.
Definitely Must-Not-See TV.

And, now for some good gay news.

Newly out, and still enjoying her Coming Out tool-belt and Home Depot gift card, country singer Chely Wright is engaged.
Her fiancée, Lauren Blitzer, a LGBT Civil Rights activist, and Chely have set a date and plan to be married this summer in Connecticut, where equality lives for all people, not just the heterosexual kind.
It seems that Chely and Lauren met through LGBT youth advocacy work, and realized they both have a love for, um, Scrabble?
Scrabble. Is that some sort of Lesbian sex game? Just asking.
Chely Wright, who once considered suicide rather than coming out as a lesbian, now says, "The freedom of being out and open about who I am allowed me to find and fall in love with Lauren...the most amazing woman I've ever known."
Congrats ladies.
And, as a wedding gift, I've registered you two at Ace Hardware, and will be gifting you with a belt sander and some Doc Martens.
Enjoy!
 
It looks like Lindsay Lohan's association with crime isn't quite over yet.
But maybe, just maybe,m this time crime will pay. It seems that La Lohan is in "final talks" to play mob-daughter Victoria Gotti in 'Gotti: Three Generations,' an upcoming  feature film about Victoria's mafioso father, John.

If this holds up--and it depends on whethe Lindsay goes back to jail or rehab for the summer--she'll star opposite seriously heterosexual John Travolta, who has agreed to play John Gotti.
And to make this film even more of a circus, rumors are swirling--as rumors are apt to do--that Kim Kardashian recently met with executive producers to discuss playing John's daughter-in-law, Kim Gotti.
A Kardashian and a Lohan, together.
This just reeks of an Oscar winning film.
Oscar.Mayer.
Producer Marc Fiore, who obviously has grandiose dreams, says his $75 million production is "going to be the new 'Godfather.'"
Oh, but he did.
There was another story out that Lindsay would play Sharon Tate in a film about Charles Manson.
Or that she would be in the new 'Superman' movie.
But those have to wait, while Lindsay sees if she stars in Prison Bitch.
That's not a film, that's her future.

This has crazy written all over it.
After Britney Spears', um, lethargic-looking demeanor during promotional performances for her new album, comes word that Brit-Brit doesn't want to be bothered performing any more.

She wants to act.
A source--and by source, I mean the team of men who hoist her Frito-laden ass about the stage with she lip-syncs to songs she does not remember--says, "Britney is very mindful that she has to evolve as an artist now she is heading towards her thirties. Music will always be a part of her life but she has come to love acting, and comedy especially. She is currently considering a few scripts. One is a comedy and a kind of parody of the popstar she is and the other is a more serious role which is an action movie."
A serious role in an action movie? Aint no such thing.
But the question I pose is this: if Spears cannot be bothered to learn to sing, much less learn the dance moves, to take this new album on tour, how will she ever become an actress?
Seriously, she has all the intelligence of a pork rind.
I see Brit-Brit's future like this: wackadoo tours, more head-shaving, more drama, another wackadoo tour, and then she'll fade from view, only to resurface in 2041 on some Bravo reality show, like, well, maybe, the Real Housewives of Backswamp.

And the gay is coming out after more than fifty years.

The 1951 novel From Here to Eternity, by James Jones, is set to be re-issued digitally through eBook firm called Open Road, and it will ALLEGEDLY feature two scenes involving gay content that were previously censored from the original publication.
Uh-huh. FHTE is going back to its gay roots.

The novel, which focuses on US soldiers serving in Hawaii in the months leading up to Pearl Harbor, was later adapted into a 1953 film starring Frank Sinatra. In the original book, there were two scenes that didn't make the cut: one focused on Private Angelo Maggio--the role Sinatra played in the film--revealing that he had sometimes been paid to have oral sex with another man; the other excised scene involved a military investigation into possible homosexual activity.

In addition to The Gay, the filthy language of the original novel is being pout back in. Get ready for some F-bombs.

James Jones' daughter, Kaylie, explains: "My father fought bitterly to hold on to every four-letter word in the manuscript. The publisher was concerned about getting through the censors."
And so The Gay and The Profane were cut from the novel and from the film, but now they're back, baby. And maybe that famous beach scene, with Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr, could be filmed again with, say, Colin Farrell and Matt Damon?
Just asking.

What does an actress do after she costars in an Oscar-nominated film?

Well, if you're Mila Kunis, fresh off her hot 'Black Swan' performance, you see what kind of offers come up, and then you take your pick.
One part, though, that Kunis won't be taking, even though an offer was made and all other parties are, um, into it, is being one of Charlie Sheen's goddesses.
Indeed!
At the Columbus, Ohio stop on his horrendously awful  'My Violent Torpedo Of Truth/Defeat Is Not An Option Tour,' Sheen began a campaign to secure Kunis as goddess number three in the Sheen crackhouse, saying, "Here's the good news: my goddesses have already f**king approved [Mila]. She's pre-approved! I'm going to go on her Facebook page and discover her likes. I'm going to buy them all and then she can come steal them. A super f---ing hot thief named Mila Kunis. Mila, please, we have a warehouse full of your favorite s--t to steal," 
And she must be thrilled.
And then, in incoherent Sheen-speak, he added: "I would have great tolerance for many missing items provided it involves Mila f**king Kunis. If Mila Kunis is stealing your s**t , trust me, you're still f**king winning, you're still winning at that moment."
For her part, rumor has it that Mila Kunis was less than thrilled with that particular offer, and even a little disgusted by it. Pals close to the actress say Thanks but no thanks, to Charlie, adding, "Obviously Charlie wanted to name someone who would create publicity for his tour, but the thought of it grosses Mila out."
It grosses me out, too.
And most of America.

More on Brit-Brit.

Less than a day after Spears debuted her new music video for 'Till the World Ends', she is fighting off rumors that she used a body double in the video.
Is that so far off the mark? I mean, she doesn't actually "sing" so should we be surprised that she also doesn't "dance"?
It is being suggested that choreographer and backup dancer Tiana Brown plays the role of Britney Spears' body in the video--accusations that the Spears camp, Camp HooHaw, denies. Now, to be fair, Brown has danced on the road with Britney on the 'Circus Starring Britney Spears Tour', but the rote answer Brit offered when asked if she's got a body double is, Oh hell to the no. It's Britney, bitch!
But then she turned to her handlers and asked, Which one is Britney?

Wow. Sink much.
He was one-half of a gay-married couple on The Amazing Race.
Then he dated Lance Bass.
Then he "starred" on Logo's The A-List.

And now, you ask--or maybe don't ask, though I'll tell you anyway--what is Reichen Lehmkuhl up to now?
Apparently, while waiting for season two of A-list to start, Reichen has gotten himself a side job spanking his monkey on a webcam, though the paycheck is about as big as the payoff. The pictures of his choking the chicken session made their way on to the Internet this week, and I, for one, was waiting for Reichen to deny that the pictures were of his Little Reichen being strangled.
Not so.
After confirming that the images were, in fact, him, Lehmkuhl released a statement:
"I don't feel that this story represents anything different in me than what the majority of gay men have done at one point or another--as far as posting a private picture over internet lines for private viewing. In my, now, nine years of being in the public eye, I've seen many less-flattering photos attributed to me, so that's a plus. Moving on…"
Moving on?
To what?
A little back-door video? Or, howsabout moving on to something else altogether, like, say, obscurity?

Oh, Paris! Were you jealous that Lindsay was getting all the jewel thief press and just couldn't stand it for another minute?

It seems that old-coke-in-the-vah-jay-jay,Paris Hilton, is being sued by the insurance company of Damiani jewelry, ALLEGING that she hasn't returned $60,000 worth of loaned jewels.
Wow. You beat Lindsanity there. She just, um, "borrowed" a $2500 necklace, but you've upped the ante.
It seems that the jewelry in question was part of the $2.8 million stash that was stolen from her house, while she was "borrowing"them, by the Hollywood Bling Ring back in 2009. The jewels were eventually recovered and returned to Hilton, who then never bothered to give them back to the jeweler.
What is it about the celebutards that they forget to put on underwear and return things they borrow?
And the insurance company, Allianz, even blames Paris for the robbery because she left her front door unlocked and ALLEGEDLY left the jewelry lying about like she does her cocaine.
A representative for Paris, who spends most days trying to explain the alphabet to the heiress, says: "We only just received the complaint but it is clear that it is not based on fact. Among other things, nobody from the Hilton team ever told the insurance company that the Damiani items that were stolen were returned. We are not aware of any of the Damiani items being recovered by the police, only costume jewelry was recovered."
It's the old I-ain't-got-your-stinking-jewels routine!
But if it doesn't play out like that, can you imagine the fun of prison if Lindsay and Paris are  jailed together? I mean, which one would be the other one's bitch? And which one could carve a shiv out of soap?

Star Jones is everywhere on the small screen, filling it up from corner to corner and top to bottom, as she scurries about to promote her new book, 'Satan's Sisters'. But, um, she ALLEGEDLY won't be making an appearance on 'The View'.

And, as Star is apt to do, whenever she isn't eating, which is rare, she's yapping it up about ALLEGED  reports that Barbara Walters is personally blocking her from ever showing up at 'The View' again.
Between bites of a Brontosaurs Burger, she says, "You can't push Barbara into doing anything! Are you out of your mind?"
And then she said, "Nom nom nom nom burp."
Star has, however, appeared on the former co-host Joy Behar's show, and while Star moaned and kvetched and ate a bowl of rigatoni, Joy made it very clear she had nothing to do with the guest bookings at her other job. She did, however, seem to be happy speaking to, and feeding, her former co-host.
Of course, a source for ABC--and by source, i mean the guy who defrosts Walters each day before she appears on-set--says, "Since the show began, Ms. Walters has made it her practice not to book the program."
Riiiight.
Maybe the reason Bab doesn't want Star back, aside from the increased food budget, is that Star's, ahem, novel, 'Satan's Sisters' is the tale of five women on a talk show where "alliances are forged, careers are made, and bridges are burned."
The matriarch, AKA old lady newswoman, of a fictional show, called 'The Lunch Club,' is a character named Maxine Robinson, the first African-American to become a network news anchor. Maxine is conniving and borderline nasty.
Sounds a little Walters-esque, eh?
But I'd love to see Star and Barbara togetehr again. Especially in the heat of summer. The iciness between the two women would certainly cool off a hot August afternoon.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But.......

Color me stunned, not purple.
See what I did there?

Anyhoooo, people were all speculatin' that James Franco was high when he hosted the Oscars this year; well, maybe not people, but I was. And now comes word that Whoopi Goldberg has admitted, on a video clip, that she was stoned when she accepted her Oscar in 1991 for her role in 'Ghost.'
Whoopi says, on that tape: "Smoking cigarettes and pot every now and then are my habits. And I thought, 'I've got to relax.' So I smoked this wonderful joint that was the last of my home grown."
And then Miss Goldberg goes on to say that she was so surprised by her win that she was worried about getting onstage: "When [Denzel Washington] said my name and I popped up, I thought, 'Oh f---... okay, up the stairs... around to the podium... there's millions of people, pick up the statue, get the statue."
And apparently she pulled it off because I don't remember anyone talking about that back in the day. Except for Whoopi's mother, who could tell her daughter was high by her "glistening eyes" and called to scold her.
Whoopi ends her nearly two-decade old video confession with her own PSA: "I know you're not supposed to admit that you smoke pot, but I don't drink alcohol. Just because I do it doesn't mean you should."
Whoopi Goldberg high.
Who knew?

Poor Hef.

It seems that 900-year-old Hugh Hefner's 24-year-old fiancee, Crystal Harris, is not exactly ready to settle down with her centuries old fiance. She is ALLEGEDLY cheating on her grandpa with Dr. Phil's son.
Hmmm, which is worse, marrying a man thirty-seven times your age, or having Dr. Phil as a father-in-law?
Witnesses--and by witnesses, I mean pool boys at the Playboy Mansion who scrub the Grotto free from herpes and hepatitis--say that Crystal and Jordan McGraw were cozying "up at the Chateau Marmont in LA" and that while Crystal was hoping to keep their romance low-key--lest Hef send out the Hit Bunnies--Jordan doesn't care; he'll fight a nine-hundred-year-old man.
Jordan seems to be following in his older brother's footsteps; his brother, Jay, is married to Playboy model Erica Dahm. And his father loves to spank Little Phil while ogling pictures of his daughter-in-law.
Crystal and Jordan met when Jordan became the producer of her album at the Organica record label. Jordan, however, was subsequently let go "for dating female clients under the label."
Daddy would be so proud.
Not Daddy Hef, Daddy Phil.

Well, after a tense week, where talk was that Charlie "Winning" Sheen might be returning to 2-1/2 Men, rumors are flying that Jeremy Piven will be taking over.

A source close to the situation, and I think it's Jon Cryer--says: “Jeremy is a great actor and a hot commodity, his name has come up a couple of times in talks about who, if anybody, could step into Charlie’s shoes.”
But, if CBS wants to hire Piven as the new Sheen, they might, um, want to talk to Piven. According to his people--and by people, i mean the ones who keep him from eating sushi [Google it]--“No one connected in any way with Jeremy knows anything about this and that would include Jeremy.”
I wouldn't be surprised if Sheen does get his job back, unless, during his current stage show, "My Mental Breakdown," or, um, "Charlie Sheen Live: My Violent Torpedo Of Truth" he continues to bash his show, his network, and the producers.
Money talks, even when it's talking about an insane drug addict.
Sidenote: I'm still waiting to hear from CBS about hiring me for the show, and then calling it, 'One Man, A Half Man, and A Homo'.
I smell Emmy!

Dina Lohan, Mom Of The Year, says that her daughter, pill-popping, chain-smoking, vodka-swilling, car-stealing, rehab-going, jail-living, Lindsay, never had any intention of agreeing to a plea deal and accepting guilt for allegedly stealing a $2,500 necklace from a Venice Beach jeweler.

Lindsay's attorney, Shawn Holley, kept on speed dial on every single Lohan phone, you know, just in case, has formally notified the LA District Attorney, and Judge Keith Schwartz, that Lindsay stomped her feet and said, "No deal! Now, let's go clubbing!"
Dina said her daughter never even entertained the idea of copping a plea. Which is true, because the only thing Lindsay ever entertained was a martini in a sippy cup. Dina says: "She was never going to plead guilty to a crime she didn't commit. All along Lindsay has never wavered regarding her innocence."
Lindsay never wavered, because she doesn't know what that means, All she knows, is that Mama Dina needs a new pair of shoes, and how's she gonna get them if her meal ticket is in jail?
How else can you explain the fact that Dina Lohan, with a straight face, thanks to Botox and Ketel One, actually said: "I saw the entire security tape, and it showed the necklace clearly being loaned to Lindsay. The jewelry store's only motivation was for publicity and profit."
Um, wow, Dina? Please to explain, how, if the necklace was clearly being loaned to Lindsay, she didn't bother to return it until the police got involved?
I don't know which is worse, the junkie jewel thief daughter, or the fame-whoring, living off my child mother.

Oh, this just screams trainwreck!

Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston’s daughter, Bobbi Kristina, just might be getting her own reality show.
I know!
Train...followed quickly by....wreck.
With rumors of drug addiction--Crack is wack--and a sex tape--How else am I gonna get famous--flying, the teenager might be laying her life bare on the small screen; Bobbi K even Tweeted the news.
“PS EVERYONE ! Guess what ?! _ we are currently in the process of meetings about starting my very OWN! RealityShow!!”
Again.Train.Wreck.
I mean, she did see Bobby and Whitney's reality show, didn't she? She saw how they came off as a couple of drug addicted hoarders, right/ She saw the fights, the arrests, the craziness fueled by all sorts of drugs, didn't she?
And she wants to do that, too.
Like Mama and Daddy, crazy don't fall far from the tree.
Bobbi K then sent another Tweet: “The world needs 2know me 4who I REALLY am_ U all will get 2see my everyday living_ walk with me thro startin my career. . EVERYTHING.”
Walk me thro startin' my career.
I have an idea, maybe in one episode, Bobbi K takes a spelling class.

'Dancing With The Stars'
Honey, no.

But, you know, with Kirstie Alley and her own special brand of wackadoo, it might be fun, if only for the feuds it starts.
It seems that Kirstie has struck back at late night host George Lopez on Twitter, after GLo likened Alley to a pig in a bit on his show.
Someone called WestCoastGal88 tweeted to Alley, "If you read my stream -- I just called George Lopez a PIG :)"
Alley quickly responded: "lol...a drunk pig...hehe."
This all started when Lopez made Alley the butt of a weight joke on Tuesday's Lopez Tonight: “She did a nice job. Her little hooves tapping away.” He then did a riff on the nursery rhyme, This Little Piggy Goes to Market, saying, “Before the show she went to the market. And then she had roast beef. And this is her going all the way home,” before playing a clip of a pig squealing “wheeeee” while riding in a car.
Not nice, GLo. not nice.
But, um, Kirstie, why you gettin' so pissy?
I mean, you did make an entire series about your weight when you did your "reality" show, 'Fat Actress', didn't you? If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen, and shut the refrigerator!

Jessica Biel doesn't let the grass grow under her vah-jay-jay, now, does she?
Roughly six minutes after being devastated that Justin...gay...Timberlake dumped her, Biel was spotted making out with man-whore Gerard Butler.

Wow. talk about an STD cesspool.
I know!
Apparently Biel and Butler are shooting a movie together in New Orleans and have become quite the Uglies Bumpers off-set. They were first spotted at a crew member’s birthday party, then, a couple of nights later, they went to get some Mexican food alone, starting drinking heavily, and left together.
Enchiladas + Pitchers of Margaritas = Roll in the hay.
They also had 'dinner'--insert your own euphemism here: ____--twice more later that week. Of course, both are denying their NoLa hook-up, and their reps are working overtime coming up with a different version of the "just friends" excuse.
A source--and by source, I mean the make-up gal who stands guard while Biel and Butler do the thrust and Moan--says: “They have never had dinner alone. They are always in a crew of people on the film."
So, it's group sex, then, eh?

In addition to being stupid--I mean, she carries cocaine in her cooch--and being a fame-whore--she once spent twenty minutes standing in front of an ATM machine because she spotted a camera--Paris Hilton is also ALLEGEDLY a racist.

It seems that the Hilton girls, Paris and the smarter one--which really isn't saying much, were at a club together--because, what else do they do--getting their jiggy on, when suddenly Paris looked into the camcorder her friend was carrying--because Paris documents every moment of her life so she can tell her gyno who she schtupped--and said: “We're like two n*****s.”
Oh, but she did--Google it.
I found this shocking, until I learned that LA Weekly has an excerpt from a new book written by Hollywood reporter Neil Straus, who interviewed Paris Skankton when she was 18, and he says this went down:
HILTON: I went out with that guy last night.
STRAUSS: Which guy?
HILTON: (points to an actor in Saving Private Ryan): We were making out, but then we went somewhere where it was bright and I saw that he was black and made an excuse and left. I can’t stand black guys. I would never touch one. It’s gross. (pauses). Does that guy look black to you?
STRAUSS: How black does a guy have to be?
HILTON: One percent is enough for me.
Wow, Paris Hilton.
Cooch full of coke, brain full of mush, and a mouth full of s**t.
Right?

You gotta love it when your boyfriend has your back.

Sarah Lane, an American Ballet Theater soloist, was Natalie Portman's double in 'Black Swan'. And she gave an interview to Dance Magazine in which she said 'Swan' producers, Fox Searchlight, asked her to stop talking to the media. She says the Fox people wanted everybody to think Portman did most of her own dancing.
That must have pissed Sarah off, especially when you add that Natalie never thanked her when she accepted her Oscar, so Sarah Lane is talking again.
But she isn't getting far, because Natalie's dance-trainer-choreographer-fiance-and-baby-daddy, Benjamin Millepied, is pirouetting to her defense:
"It was so believable, it was fantastic, that beautiful movement quality. There are articles now talking about her dance double [American Ballet Theatre dancer Sarah Lane] that are making it sound like [Lane] did a lot of the work, but really, she just did the footwork, and the fouettés, and one diagonal [phrase] in the studio. Honestly, 85% of that movie is Natalie."
Take that, Sarah! And, back to the chorus!

Poor Star Jones.
No one likes her.
Seriously, show of hands: who likes Star?
:::crickets::::

We all know that on the current season of Donald Trump's 'Ego Apprentice' Star, and 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' dive NeNe Leakes haven't been getting along. NeNe even went so far as to say that if Star was on fire, she wouldn't a spit ball her way.
Ouch.
And to pour salt into that wound, NeNe is now hanging around with one of Star's former flamers, er, flames, and ex-homo-husband, Big Gay Al.
I know! Dee-lish!
A source--and by source I mean NeNe, because who loves to gossip about NeNe more than NeNe--had this to say: "Star thinks it's pathetic that these two has-beens have teamed up together. NeNe knows how much pain and hurt, that man caused Star. For NeNe to suddenly befriend him tells you exactly what sort of woman she really is. Al will do anything to get back into the press, including hanging out with reality stars. But to be getting close and personal with a woman who has publicly stated she wouldn't spit on your ex-wife if she was on fire is just desperate."
Poor Star. She marries an ALLEGED homo, tells the world that he is ALLEGEDLY straight, and then dumps him, and now gets all aflame because her ex and her enemy are friends.
I mean, NeNe and Al might be good for each other. Every diva needs a homo to help with make-up tips, and if anyone needs makeup tips, it's NeNe.
Al? Show her how you do the smokey eye!