London Olympics 2012 - new promo

Borrowed from Blazing Cat Fur with thanks.

New in "how to" category

By Dale Carnegie: How to get rid of friends you've acquired using my previous book.

Hat tip: H.A.

Tourists nabbed with cocaine inside stomachs: an easy explanation

Surely Zionist press is unfair to otherness:

An x-ray examination reveals 2.5 kilograms of liquid cocaine concealed inside condoms in stomachs of Bolivian couple arriving at Ben-Gurion Airport; drug content worth some $200,000.

Only down close to the end of that article you see the key sentence:

As airport detectives took the couple aside for questioning, they were surprised to discover, during an x-ray examination, that the Bolivian tourists were smuggling 2.5 kilograms of liquid cocaine in their stomachs concealed inside 85 condoms.

Now, I hope, everything is illuminated: the two simply participated in a condom swallowing competition, so popular lately in that locale. And, of course, with water shortages being felt all over the world, the cheapest local filling material was chosen. The rest is history.

I hope they get a good lawyer.

Camille Grammer apologizes to Kelsey over penis Insult

The insult was "Big hands, big feet, big disappointment", but the apology was different, sounding like "The size of my disappointment was greatly exaggerated by the media".

Early onset of senility could be caused by

insufficient amounts of trans fats, nicotine and salt in your blood.

Proof.

Steve Jobs denies rumors, not going to purchase USA

Blames CNN that caused the rumors by publishing the two articles simultaneously:

Obama on US debt crisis: 'we are almost out of time'

and

Apple now has more cash than the U.S. government

Overheard mumbling to self: "Why do I need that headache, anyway I was going for Monaco or whatsitsname... er... Luxemburg... On the other hand... firesale... mumble mumble mumble..."

Gonorrhea, Kremlin, Moscow, Bill Maher

These searches dominate the interwebs today. Not mutually exclusive, this bunch is, mind you.

Regarding the first: Gonorrhea strain H041 - going in without my reading glasses, I thought at first it's some new kind of the famous 401K program. Apparently it's about a new strain of the bug, resistant to the class of antibiotics called cephalosporins, commonly used to treat the STD. Can't say I'm unduly worried. Too late for me.

As for Kremlin, which is in Moscow, the news that "Vladimir Putin was sent to Russia by God" is really not a shocker. As far as I understand theology, which is not very far, everything was sent by the above mentioned, including tomatoes, bedbugs, grisly bears and prime ministers. So be it.

So what is left? Oh, Bill Maher, the conspicuous stain on the otherwise healthy and fit body of the media. Why is he so popular today, I really don't know. Don't care, too. So there.

A new kind of Bigfoot - a Toilet Bigfoot - discovered and captured in Colorado

Uses tarpaulin for clothing, hides in toilet tanks, seeks contact with humans.

Details.

Update: Colorado Bigfoot captured, study commenced!

Bar Rafaeli breaks arm, Mossad and DiCaprio cleared of suspicion

Details.

Sexist police and reporters of Corpus Christi

I read this report, titled Woman tells Corpus Christi police she was texting when she hit the police cruiser, with growing sense of uneasiness. Here is some of it:

An officer with a ride-a-long passenger were stopped at the red light at Everhart Road and South Padre Island Drive just after 1 a.m. when they were struck from behind. The officer said the female driver appeared drunk, but she denied drinking and said she texting. The woman was taken to Christi Spohn Hospital Shoreline for minor injuries and to have a blood specimen taken. Police said the 45-year-old woman was charged with suspicion of driving while intoxicated/open alcohol container.

I have counted, and the word "woman" appears four times in this short news item. Not including the "female driver", of course.

Were the driver male or Baptist or Muslim or Native American, how many times one of these would have appeared? What is wrong with the word "person" or "driver", for crying out loud?

Bleh...

A word of comfort to parishioners on disappearance of relic of St. Anthony

Dear all,

I have read where it says that parishioners at a Southern California Catholic church are praying to the patron saint of lost causes and missing objects for its speedy return.

And I say unto thee: be staunch of heart and strong of belief! The inconvenience is only a passing breeze upon the brow of eternity. Verily St. Anthony, the patron saint of lost causes and missing objects, will take care of his own relic.

That is, if the relic is not fake, of course. And re this:

People here are pretty upset but they're praying. They're praying to St. Anthony for the return of his own object.

No need, really. He knows and will take care.

Do you feel like Philip Roth is sitting on your face?

This is only too funny. While my own regard of the old man is going up and down depending on the book I am reading at the moment, he is definitely above a need for advocacy. Human Stain, to take one example, exonerates him from criticism forever.

But this is kinda exceptional:

Dismissing the Pulitzer prize-winning author, Callil said that "he goes on and on and on about the same subject in almost every single book. It's as though he's sitting on your face and you can't breathe".

Well, no advocacy, as I promised, just a bit of horseplay. That "sitting on your face" metaphor, while being a clumsy one (unless it's some kind of Aussie slang), seems to be a slip of the tongue (can I mention tongue in this regard, I wonder?).Whatever the reason, I am sure the old man is (will be) happy to hear it.

Proves that Ms Callil is an avid reader of Roth...

May 21 Doomsday: are you ready?

It's serious finally:

Starting tomorrow He's going to torture almost every man, woman and child on the planet for five months, before He eventually kills us all.

Here is why:



I say it's all up to you now, and the most important thing is bottled water. And salt. And matches. And canned food. And... well, you know the drill.

Er... gay folks, you don't have to bother, methinks, seeing as how it goes...

Oh, and Mr. Obama: that speech - it doesn't matter anymore, I guess. Let Bibi go home, too.

So Jews have the biggest balls: what now, Lebanon?

It's official:

While Lebanon may hold the record for the world's biggest bowl of hummus, a Jewish American chef has conjured up a colossal felafel ball worthy of its accompaniment. Los Angeles residents Dawn Walker and her husband Dan have managed to create the world's largest felafel ball, the Los Angeles Daily News reported on Sunday.

And we'll sort out the humus issue too, no worries...

Say NO to inflation

And this is one of the ways:

NYC Youngster Buys Loaded Semi-Automatic Handgun At School For $3

Of course, a greedy capitalist would demand hundreds of hard earned $$ for a gun. But this kid said his resounding "NO"...

A few assorted Bin Laden wisecracks

Of course, not everyone rejoiced hearing about OBL demise. Hamas, for instance, didn't:

Gaza government condemns US slaying of 'Arab holy warrior', asks 'God to offer him mercy with true believers, martyrs'.

It looks like the heartbreak of separation is too much for Hamas top dog, Ismail Haniyeh. Shouldn't someone take care of unification of these two?

A curious text that I would rather leave on the editor's conscience:

Dozens of Arab residents hold rally in support of assassinated al-Qaeda leader in east Jerusalem's Silwan neighborhood...

The word "support" there caused me a double-take. After all, Bin Laden is already beyond support in this world, so could it be that these "Dozens of Arab residents" are eager to support him in his frolics with the 72 virgins?

Speaking of virgins: in his case, due to the rather watery choice of location for his burial, I guess the virgins will be of mermaid persuasion. Osama will have to work on his amorous techniques, adjusting them to the underwater conditions. But no worries, help is coming.

And some related news:

The Arizona Court of Appeals ruled Friday that Cindy Vong can sue over the Arizona Board of Cosmetology's threat to pull her license if she didn't stop offering the pedicure, which uses fish to eat dead skin off clients' feet. The board alleged the fish were unsafe because they couldn't be sterilized.

The emphasis is mine. I wasn't aware of the fact that the cleansing fishes so popular lately in the cosmetic shops are not sterilized. It looks like Bin Laden, willingly or not, will have to submit to some, seemingly unapproved, pedicure methods. I hope he likes it.

Or else...

Misunderstanding a headline

BBC today:

No. Not yet. Unfortunately...

CNBC sees a rise in the underwear area

Which they consider, apparently, good news.

Even during the 2008 downturn, "the underwear area was very strong," Eric Beder, retail analyst at Brean Murray Carret, told CNBC Thursday.

Still, one should take the news with caution, since it's published in "Soft Economic Indicator" rubric.

Van Jones, Mother Nature and... well, I

Mr Van Jones, who caused a blink on Simply Jews radar, surfaces again, this time throwing his unqualified support behind the Rights for Mother Nature. Since the Internet is choke-full of right wing responses, lead by this Fox article, I wasn't even able to find another point of view on the issue.

In short, Bolivia (don't say that good things don't come from Bolivia, please, I can name at least one other high quality thing), "will this month table a draft United Nations treaty giving "Mother Earth" the same rights as humans — having just passed a domestic law that does the same for bugs, trees and all other natural things in the South American country."

It's yet unclear to me how it will work in reality: e.g. will every bug, tree "and all other natural things" have legal representation? And how about some "natural things" that I, personally, try to kill on sight (sometimes using WMDs), such as roaches, ants etc? And, of course, as some incorrigible right-wingers ask, could we sue Mother Nature back for mayhem it causes from time to time?

Questions, questions. But meanwhile, being excited and inspired by the idea, I declare my personal decision on the subject, which applies only to my own self, of course. I, the undersigned, thereby recognize the rights of Mother Nature (MN further in this document) and various representatives of MN, such as (but not limited to) bugs, invertebrates, lizards, snakes, birds, flowers, bees, stones etc. As far as I am concerned, each and every such specimen is entitled to be represented by an attorney and has the right to remain silent while negotiations on the correct procedure for his/her/its introduction to my digestive tract are in progress.

There is only one non-negotiable stipulation: I am not going to participate in a dialog with any specimen of MN and its lawyer when accompanied by one of the restaurant violinists, origins of which I am unable to define here due to restrictions imposed by the rules of PC speech.

So there.

Royal wedding guest list

Revealed, and I am not there.

On the other hand, David Beckham is in, so no way I would go anyhow. Nah...