The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

So I’m watching, for the first time, THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS and they’re showing these sprawling mansions – giant McHearst’s Castles, and at first you think – wow, wouldn’t it be great to live in one of those? And then you watch five minutes of these women and you realize you’d rather live out on the street in an empty Maytag box.

Oh. My. God.

I don’t understand. Television is not allowed to broadcast snuff films; how can they get away with this?

For those who have not seen it, this reality series follows the lives of six middle-aged Beverly Hills women who between them have had 46 plastic surgeries. They are:


Taylor Armstrong – a blonde with so much collagen in her lips that she looks like a bass.

Lisa VanderPump – British woman who must’ve told her doc to make her look like Diana Rigg but forgot to specify the young Diana Rigg.


Kyle Richards – Was in Disney’s ESCAPE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN when she was four. Has been getting elective surgery ever since. Although to be fair, looks the best of the group.  Once the others figure that out she'll be ostracized immediately.


Kim Richards – Kyle’s older sister. Former child star who has appeared in HELLO LARRY and numerous Disney movies like ESCAPE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN. She’s the one BHH who is not married. Her ex considers the divorce proceedings “Escape From Witch Mountain”.

Adrienne Maloof – Family owns casinos and sports franchises like the Sacramento Kings. Has managed to save a lot of money by actually marrying her plastic surgeon.


Camille Grammer – Former, uh… dancer. Married to Kelsey Grammer at the time this show was shot. I've met her a few times at FRASIER parties.  She always seemed very sweet.  Had no idea at the time she was an absolute certifiable loon.

Their bios on their home web page all make a point of saying how philanthropic they all are and how much time they devote to charities, but who are we kidding?  That's so you don't round up the villagers and march to their homes with torches and pitchforks.  These are the most self-absorbed, entitled, self deceiving, narcissistic six women since Marie Antoinette.

Here's what happened in the episode I saw. It’s probably not the latest; I caught it Thanksgiving night.

They’re all in New York (except Adrienne) for Kelsey’s opening of LA CAGE AUX FOLLES. Adrienne is back home because her uncle died and she had to yell at her husband for wanting a one-hour break to get a drink with his friends.

Back in the Big Apple, Camille and Kyle have had a big fight. Kyle called Camille the BHH equivalent of the “C” word – “insecure”. Much tension at the table as these coiffed hens picked at their pasta. At least I think it was tension. With all the Botox, it’s impossible to read expressions.

Now the big question: Should Kyle still attend the theatre opening? And to make the decision even more excruciating, she finds a dress she’d like to wear.  So we're talking "Sophie's Choice" here.

Meanwhile, Kim is upset because she’s the only one not married. This haunted her in her suite during their recent Vegas trip. She asks the others to try to set her up. Let’s see who they come up with. When does Bernie Madoff get out?

The real star of the series is Camille because she may just be the craziest person ever on television. Joan Crawford was the picture of mental health compared to her.

Every time Camille opens her mouth she says something deliciously insane. She claimed that all women are jealous of her because she’s married to a celebrity. (I guess they’re no longer jealous). As for Kyle, specifically, Camille spelled it out in detail. "In terms of pecking order, my husband is higher on the list. There's a big difference between that (being a celebrity and Camille listed all of Kelsey’s awards) and the local Beverly Hills Realtor." Damning words indeed from a former Playboy bunny.

At home Camille reads THE ART OF WAR, and surrounds herself with hairdressers, nannies, and some bootlicker named Nick. She talks to Nick about Kyle, "Her behavior was pernicious and I'll leave it at that." Of course, you’ll leave it at that. You don’t know what the word means.

Kyle tries to leave a voice message for Camille apologizing, but Camille found that disingenuous and pneumtramonoulicroscopicsilicovolcano,

Come the night of the gala opening, Kyle does attend. Hey, she paid for the dress. There’s a scene after the show where Camille goes back to Kelsey’s dressing room and he couldn’t have rushed her out of there faster if he had a hooker (or Kyle) under the desk. Frasier was more civil to Lilith.

Look, I feel bad for anybody getting a divorce. Especially when there are children involved. I can’t take sides in this case, even though I’m fond of Kelsey. I’m sure both are to blame, and the timing couldn’t be worse for Camille, so I wish them both well.

But this show is a one-hour justification for the Russian Revolution. These magpies with diamond rings the size of drinking tumblers, appear so unhappy in lives that most women would kill for.  And so one asks the question:  Are they really that superficial, that vapid; that disconnected to the real world? Or does their vain and silly behavior mask a legitimate fear?

Are they all secretly and justifiably terrified that there will be a sequel and none of them will be in it? THE REAL TROPHY WIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS.