Chlesea Handler on Ugly Balls

In an item he posted September 16th on his winning blog, "Reports from the Lost continent of Cinephilia," the ever-witty and ever-astute Dave Kehr noted that balls are the new breasts in America.

Commenting on the rather grotesque poster art for Billy Bob Thornton's "Mr. Woodcock, Dave wrote, "Presumably, emergency seminars are already being scheduled at Brown. And to think this was once a proud country of breast fetishists."

Ever since Dave voiced his observation, I've been aware of references to testicles everywhere, particularly on TV sitcoms, where they have become the token punchline for every bad, pathetic joke.

Which brings me to Chlesea Handler, the vivacious host of E!'s nightly "Chlesea Lately," a hilarious show brought to my attention by the New York Times' TV critic, Virginia Heffernan.

Anyway, Handler begins every show with a five-minute panel discussion and, on a recent show, she swapped jokes with Ken Baker, correspondent for US Weekly.com, comic Loni Love and porn icon Ron Jeremy. The name Cisco Adler came up, and Handler complained that Adler got his show on VH1 only because he once dated Mischa Barton.

But Baker set the record straight. Apparently, Adler is now a star in his own right because, according to Baker, he has "gigantic testicles."

This set off Handler, hilariously so:

"Is that such a huge draw for women? 'Oh, God, I have to get me some ball tonight!' (To the audience) Don't you agree that balls are disgusing? Nobody ever warns you about balls when you're in the third grade. They don't even tell you they're happening. You hear about the shaft of the penis coming your way. They don't mention that he has two little angry friends along for the ride. I would have liked a warning."

That just about says it all. And let's hope that Handler's witty tirade marks the start of a moritorium on testicles in American entertainment and the return of big breasts to their rightful place.

(Artwork: The poster art for "Mr. Woodcock" and E!'s very funny Chelsea Handler)

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