Some final Emmy thoughts

A follow-up to yesterday's review of the Emmys.

The ratings were about the same as last year. So congratulations to the Chabad telethon.

In response to my comment about winner Jim Parsons I received a nice note from David Hyde Pierce reminding me that HE is the young David Hyde Pierce.

MAD MEN’S Matt Weiner also emailed to say that his co-writer Erin Levy was being hugged by her father out of camera view and that’s why she lagged so far behind him bounding up to the stage. Thanks Matt. There should be walk-off music for winners who hug too long in the aisles.

The three-hour show finished on time although I’m sure the producers were worried that the minute they got off the air they’d realize, “Shit! We forgot to give out Best Actor”.

One reason the Emmys didn’t get stellar ratings is that a lot of people (most everyone I talked to) found themselves saying, “Who’s that?” fifty times during the broadcast. That’s the good and bad news of all the new faces now on the TV scene.

Jimmy Fallon generally got very positive reviews. Of course, after the year the five reality show emcees hosted, Manny Ramirez could do a better job.

How many A-list parties will Temple Grandin be invited to NEXT year? She’s this year’s Roberto Benigni.

What does the Academy have against serial killers?

Please Academy: no more lame bits introducing the accountants, don’t strive for class and elegance and then feature Kim Kardashian, don’t have washed-up pop stars sing their own dreary compositions for the “In Memoriam” feature. Think of the dear departed themselves. Do you think Soupy Sales would have okayed that Jewel song for his funeral?

I couldn’t tell. There’s a rumor going around that for the “In Memoriam” tribute they showed a shot of Fred Savage and identified him as Corey Haim.

BREAKING BAD won’t have their new season on the air soon enough to be eligible for next year’s Emmys. So Hugh Laurie will lose to Jon Hamm instead of Bryan Cranston next year.

The most beautiful girl of the night was never shown on camera. Brook Burke of (judging by the just-announced contestants) DANCING WITH THE FREAK SHOW.

How soon until the major networks dump the Emmys and they’ll start rotating between cable networks? So one year they’re on LOGO, then BOOMERANG, then the Home Shopping Channel.

Comedy writing staffs for every show spent at least two hours this morning ripping the shit out of every single person who won. An hour just on Julia Ormond alone. But all the winners were ingrates, lucky, talentless, undeserving, fat. All except Betty White. She'll be spared.

Thanks for all the nice comments on my Emmy review. It was much harder to write this year because the show wasn’t that bad. I think Fox has it next year so that shouldn’t be a problem. Tim McCarver will make the perfect host.

PLA 73181 unit patch

From the patch, you can see Shanghai land mark--oriental pearl tower in the back ground, and 5 digit unit code, so I guess it must be some garrision command there.

Rare PLA reserve force rank insignias

AVN + Award for the best new starlet

AVN + Award for the best new starlet

PLA type 07 honor huard patch

China Holding 4-Day Naval Exercise in Yellow Sea - Defense News

China Holding 4-Day Naval Exercise in Yellow Sea - Defense News

Carter's Pillowcase

I finally had a chance to deliver Carter's special pillowcase on Friday. I had to be discreet. After all, he is in THIRD grade and I wasn't sure if it would be "cool" to get a present from your former KINDERGARTEN teacher :) So, I left it on his desk while he was out of the room. I received the sweetest email from his mom letting me know that Carter LOVED his pillowcase and it is now one of his "good luck charms." I'm was thrilled by his reaction and love that such a little thing can still make a 9 year old happy.

Carter has to go to the clinic next week for a spinal tap and is going to hand deliver the rest of the pillowcases to the other kids that are there on that day.

You can read one of my previous posts to learn more about Craft Hope and ConKerr Cancer. It is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, so let's do all we can to make it extra special for these kids!

One of my favorite Emmy moments

Big surprise it's Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart. I hope I have something this funny to review tonight.

cinema obscura: John Huddles' "Far Harbor" (1996)

There's a certain subgenre that I've dubbed "the hanging out movie" - you know, that film where a group of friends gather together to drink, eat reminisce, complain and have sex.

John Sayles arguably introduced the form with his breakthrough movie, "The Return of the Secaucus Seven" (1979), and his idea was quickly appropriated a few years later by Lawrence Kasdan for "The Big Chill" (1984). While Sayles' film was scruffy and companionable, Kasdan's arch, glossy take on the material took it to its nadir. Still, it was phenomenally, inexplicably, popular, inspiring several imitations.

One of the least-known clones is John Huddles' "Far Harbor," a 1996 effort that, like Kasdan's movie, uses death to bring its cast of characters together. In this case, it's the death of a child which inspires a weekend getaway. Ryland (Jim True-Frost) thinks it will be good for his stressed wife Ellie (Jennifer Connelly) - and their marriage - if they play hosts to several friends in the seaside Far Harbor.

Playing the guests are Marcia Gay Harden, Dan Futterman, George Newbern, Tracee Ellis Ross (Diana's daughter), Andrew Lauren and Edward Atterton, who plays a struggling film writer named Frick (you heard me) and who also happens to be Ellie's first husband.

So much for a stress-free weekend.

The material is underwhelming but the gifted young cast - well, young in 1996 - makes for good company, and Futterman in particular stands out in a few edgy scenes. "Far Harbor" was Huddles' first and only theatrical film; he subsequently directed the cable movie, "At Sachem Farm" (1998), starring Minnie Driver, Rufus Sewell, Amelia Heinle and Nigel Hawthorne, before seemingly disappearing from the scene.

Originally titled "Mr. Spielberg's Boat," the title was changed after Steven Spielberg refused permission to use his name. And so the name Steven Spielberg in the film became David Sprechman, an unseen character whose status as a famed filmmaker brings out the impatience in Frick.

"Far Harbor" pops up on the Independent Film Channel in September, airing Saturday, Sept. 4 at 8:30 a.m. (est), Saturday, Sept. 4 at 1:30 p.m., Thursday, Sept. 16 at 10:45 a.m. and Thursday, Sep. 16 at 6:00 p.m.

Emmy acceptance speech tips

As a public service for those lucky nominees, here are some Emmy acceptance speech tips. My review of tonight's Emmycast will appear tomorrow. Good luck to all the people I like and bad luck to the ones I hate.

The Best of the "Worst of" the Emmys

Every year I review the Emmy Awards. To get you ready, and for any new readers of this blog, here are selected samples of my Emmy reviews from 2006-2009. You'll find this year's edition on Monday morning.

The people in the first ten rows you don’t recognize are called “seat fillers”. When the seat fillers have to go to the bathroom they’re replaced by the “nominated writers”.

Great questions on E!’s red carpet show. Isiah Washington was asked his porn name. Ryan Seacrest asked Steven Colbert if Jon Stewart was a prick? Class-eeee. He then asked Hugh Laurie: “Do you find that you’re less clever with the American accent?” Bring back Sam Rubin and Mindy Barbano! At least they gave out Altoids.

First Emmy article in the LA TIMES Sunday CALENDAR section: Page six. Page one story: “Gidget gone global”.

Sandra Oh was wearing Conan the Barbarian’s jewelry.

Had to replay several times Barry Manilow’s final comment to Mr. Clark. He said, “all right, Dick” not “I love Dick” as I first suspected (and hoped).

Cheryl Hines looked like she backed into a chandelier and took some of it with her.

Cloris Leachman won again. I guess SPLANGLISH wasn’t a career-ender for everyone.

This isn’t the first time Alan Alda beat out a more deserving nominee. But I’ve gotten over it.

Best line of the night: Steve Colbert, “I lost to Barry Manilow?!”

Trust me, if O.J. knew how easy it was to steal an Emmy he and his gunmen would be on stage thanking their parole officers.

You could tell Robert Duvall won for a cowboy movie. Even while standing he looked like he was riding a horse.

Nominating Minnie Driver and not Eddie Izzard for THE RICHES is like nominating Pam Dawber and not Robin Williams for MORK & MINDY.

Can ANYONE remember last year's Movie of Week winner? And that includes the winners themselves?

In sixty years there’s never been worse co-hosts than Heidi Klum, Jeff Probst, Howie Mandel, Ryan Seacrest, and Tom Bergeron. (Snow White and the four dwarfs) Suffering through that excruciating opening where they vamped about nothing was like reliving my Uncle Lou’s 75th birthday party at Sr. George’s Smorgasbord.

And letting Heidi Klum do comedy is like giving a squirrel a grenade.

The evening started on a high note for me since KTLA Channel 5 once again rolled out their red carpet show. Hosted of course by celebrity footstool Sam Rubin and a random bimbo. This year’s tomato was Victoria Recano, who I learned is their evening news anchor. These two lovable chuckleheads are always good for a few idiotic questions and comments. Also present was Tom O’Neill (a so-called Emmys expert). Sam asked him for a preview of the show and he said, “The highlight will be the In Memoriam feature”.

Very elegant comedy montage – pratfalls, sex jokes, and Tina Fey on the toilet. Doesn’t it seem like FRASIER’S been off the air for a hundred years?

The Reality Show montage: five minutes of angry people being bleeped. This is the “excellence in television” we’re celebrating tonight.

How is Jimmy Smits considered a “Guest” actor on DEXTER? He was in 12 of the 13 episodes.

After Ken Howard thanked someone for giving him a kidney, isn’t it a little hard for the next winner to go up and thank Lorne Michaels?

You’re going to think I’m making this up but I’m not. While the winners of the best song were giving their acceptance speech a promo crawl appeared that read, “In Memoriam in 11 minutes”.

Will all the “improvements” and Neil Patrick Harris be enough to turn the tide? It’s hard to say. They certainly made some strides. But the WEATHER CHANNEL had a special on hail storms in Kansas. I’m not optimistic.

Taiwan airforce F-16

Sexy biker

Sexy bartender

this college girl in stockingshttp://www.cba6.com

International intelligence officer

https://www.cia.gov/library/center-for-the-study-of-intelligence/csi-publications/csi-studies/studies/vol51no2/the-intelligence-officers-bookshelf.html

together! at last!

Janice Rule and Kim Novak (with Jimmy Stewart and Pyewacket) - Two "Picnic" leading ladies who later joined forces in "Bell, Book and Candle" (1958)

Here's a new parlor game - a connect-the-movie-dots, along the lines of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.

My version deals with two actresses who played the same role - one on stage, one in the film version - and who subsequently appeared opposite one another in another film. OK, admittedly it's the kind of useless information that lurks in the mind of someone who has spent way too much time in the dark watching way too many movies, but it's fun.

Here goes...

Kathy Bates caused something of a sensation when she starred on Broadway in Terrence McNally's "Frankie and Johnny in the Clair de Lune." But when Garry Marshall adapted McNally's piece into a film, he shortened the title to "Frankie and Johnny" and passed on Bates. He hired Michele Pfieffer to play the role created so indelibly by Bates.

Flashforward 15 years and Stephen Frears' makes a film called "Chéri" starring ... Michele Pfeiffer and Kathy Bates. Hmmm. Makes one wonder how they got along on the set of "Chéri," what they talked about, right? Well, they apparently liked each other because Bates and Pfeiffer subsquently teamed on David Hollander's "Personal Effects."

And then there's...

Janis Paige starred in "The Pajama Game" on Broadway, Doris Day played in the movie version and they subsequently appeared together in "Please Don't Eat the Daisies." (To complicate matters here, Day made her film debut as the second female lead in Michael Curtiz's "Romance on the High Seas." The film's female lead was Paige.)

Janice Rule starred in "Picnic" on Broadway, Kim Novak played in the movie version and they subsequently appeared together in "Bell, Book and Candle" on screen.

Anne Bancroft starred in "Two for the Seesaw" on Broadway, Shirley MacLaine played in the movie version and they subsequently appeared together in "The Turning Point" on screen.

Lauren Bacall starred in "Cactus Flower" on Broadway, Ingrid Bergman played in the movie version and they subsequently appeared together in "Murder on the Orient Express" on screen.

Oddly enough, this game seems restricted to women exclusively. The only two actors who seem to have stage-to-film link are David Wayne, who created Ensign Pulver in "Mister Roberts" on stage, and Jack Lemmon, who won the Oscar for the film version. Some 20 years later, the two teamed in Billy Wilder's remake of "The Front Page."

Can you think of any others?

Once you get Klinger out of his dress, then what???

What happened to the summer? That’s the first Friday question. Here are others. Thanks for asking yours.

benson wonders:

Many series have clip show episodes with some new material to tie together all the reminiscences. Do you keep an audience from a regular taping, or if there is something in need of a audience reaction, do you just sweeten with taped reactions?

I never had a show of my own on long enough to have a clip show. Did one on MASH, which took more time pouring through footage than if we had written a six new episodes.

Note to showrunners: CLIP SHOWS ARE A PAIN IN THE ASS. At first you’ll think it’s a freebie, but it’s NOT. It’s a time suck like you wouldn’t believe.

If a show does not heed my advice they usually will shoot the wrap-arounds after a show if filmed and just before the audience is released. How many people stick around? That depends on how long the filming was? If they kept for five hours then there will be a stampede when the director yells “cut!” If they're kept for three they’ll probably hang in there. It helps to provide pizza.

On TAXI they did an interesting thing: to save money because each week of production was expensive, they put together a two-part episode where each character went off to find a new job. And every week they filmed one of these scenes after the regular show. Each actor only had one week where they really had extra duty. They also filmed the wrap-arounds after completing an episode.

This saved Paramount two weeks of production costs. And by the way, they were two of the best episodes that season.

Alan Sepinwall, TV critic extraordinaire (who you should read on his new site) asks this MASH question:

In hindsight, do you think it was a mistake that when Radar left "M*A*S*H," his replacement was the pre-existing Klinger? Or did Klinger's role and persona change enough with the promotion that it felt like the show had added a new character?

I wasn’t on the show at the time. The last episodes my partner and I wrote were “Goodbye Radar” but that never stops me from answering questions as if I were there.

I believe the decision to make Klinger the company clerk was to kill two birds -- cover that job assignment and give Klinger something else to do. The producers (rightly so) determined that we had gone as far as we could with the dresses and Section 8 schemes. Having used every gown in the vast 20th wardrobe department that covered over 10,000 pictures probably was a clue.

I think the trouble they encountered though was that without that schtick it was hard to make Klinger really funny.

From Kath:

Ever since advertisers discovered that they could get specific audience info rather than as a block for everyone, networks have targeted their decisions to the 18 - 49 demo. It doesn't matter how many people overall watch a show as long as the 18-49 or better yet 18-35 demo loves it.

Do you think this has affected the quality of programming?

Good God, YES!!

It seems to me that comedy shows especially were funnier before the Friends model began to control everything. Not to mention a number of shows that I enjoyed that were pulled because even though the total viewership numbers were decent, they didn't do well in the 18-49 demo.

I don’t know if they were funnier but comedies used to be more sophisticated. They were written by adults for adults.

Oh no!! This is going to make me sound like one of those "you kids get off my lawn" old guys. But...

What I don’t understand is this: why do networks feel the only way to attract younger viewers is to do shows featuring teenagers and twentysomethings exclusively? I think that's insulting to the viewers you’re trying to reach. In today’s world the following shows would never get sold: MASH, FRASIER, THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW, MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, THE ODD COUPLE, THE BOB NEWHART SHOW, CHEERS, WINGS, TAXI, BARNEY MILLER, and ALL IN THE FAMILY. None of these shows had zany teenagers or were about high school and yet all these shows had huge 18-34 numbers.

I wish the networks would give young viewers more credit.

And finally, from Dana Gabbard:

Ken, how do you and your partner come up with titles for the scripts you co-write? Any rule you tend to follow? Does it make a difference whether it is for a show that displays titles on air as to how much effort is invested in coming up with a title?

Even if a show doesn’t display the title on the air it's usually listed it in your channel menu. So be careful not to give away any plot secrets.

Sometimes to soothe an actor’s ego we’ll put the name of the character somewhere in the title.

Otherwise we generally just do variations of movie titles or puns. “Death Takes a Holiday on Ice” was the CHEERS title in the episode where we killed Eddie LeBec with a rogue Zamboni machine. When Norm staged an office toga party we titled the show, “Friends, Romans, Accountants”. Nothing too elaborate. It's not like you're being asked to come up with episode titles for Rocky & Bullwinkle.

I love how on FRIENDS they just titled every episode “The one that…” How many brain cells were saved as a result of that time saver?

On OPEN ALL NIGHT we wrote an episode we called “Missing One Geek”. It got filmed with that title and I dunno, someone objected so it got changed to “Terry Runs Away”. When we were nominated for a WGA Award for it the Guild didn’t know what the official title was. Fortunately, all confused was erased when we lost. What a break!

What's your question???

Wings Over Iraq: On Uniforms (Again)

Wings Over Iraq: On Uniforms (Again)

Japan--Kinoshita Yuzuka

Ireland--Georgia Jones

http://www.clubgeorgiajones.com/

My Netflix Pick of the Month

I know this is going to sound incredibly self-serving but hear me out. This month’s Netflix pick is VOLUNTEERS. Yes, my partner David Isaacs and I wrote it but that’s not why I’m recommending it – well, not the only reason.

I always thought the movie was good but uneven. And there were artistic decisions made that I didn’t (and still don’t) agree with. Breaking the fourth wall for the sake of a joke is the one that really sticks in my craw. For the sake of one laugh you completely undercut the jeopardy of the third act.

And the tone is very inconsistent. There’s a bridge building sequence that is extremely well done but looks like a National Geographic film. And then a chase scene through the drug lord’s lair that is some of the cheesiest slapstick this side of the Disney Channel (again, not my call).

So far you must be thinking, this is his pick? All he’s done is rip the film. Again, bear with me.

Recently I decided to screen it. I hadn’t actually watched the movie front-to-back in maybe three home video formats. And I must say, even with its faults, I was pleasantly surprised at how good it was. I like it much better now than I did when it came out in 1985. Usually it's the opposite. Usually I see something I remember really being proud of at the time and go "Jesus! What the hell were we thinking? This is the dog's breakfast!" Not so with VOLUNTEERS.

First off, since it’s a period piece set in the early 60s, it doesn’t look dated the way other movies of the 80s do. There’s no “look at those pants we used to wear” and “did we really think Boy George was cool?” moments. And the comic style is different from today – much more reliance on witty dialogue and storytelling than “block comedy scenes”, “trailer moments”, and shock humor.

But it’s kind of refreshing. Objectively speaking, there are a lot of funny lines that still work. And the premise remains very solid. Tom Hanks as a preppy asshole joins the Peace Corps to avoid a huge gambling debt. In the process he gets involved with wide-eyed idealists, a foreign culture that doesn’t want our help, the CIA, Chinese war lords, Communists, and the looming Viet Nam War. It all builds to a loose parody of BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI. Along the way there’s also romance, brainwashing, political satire, adventure, send-ups of classic films, sex, and big 60s hits like “Wolverton Mountain.”

It’s got a terrific cast. Tom Hanks and John Candy are hilarious and if you love Gedde Wataabe, this is the picture to see!

Like I said, I was surprised.

If everyone on the planet rents or buys this movie I will still probably make less than seven cents, so this isn’t a ploy to fill my coffers. I just think it merits your attention or second look.

Ads for movies today like to include endorsements and raves from critics. So if I may be allowed to do the same…

“VOLUNTEERS… it’s better than I thought.”

“The political incorrectness still holds up!”

“Real good in parts!”

“In the right hands this movie will make a great re-make!”

“Way funnier than THE MAN WITH ONE RED SHOE”!

“Rita Wilson is half-dressed and sweaty in much of this film!”

and finally…

“If you don’t like it you can send it back”.

Canada--Sarah Mutch

Another "How I was almost fired" radio story

Here’s another censorship story – and also one of my early days in radio stories. Except this time I was the censor.

In late ‘72/early ’73 I was a board op (glorified name for engineer) at KLOS, Los Angeles. You know today’s “Classic Rock” stations that play Layla and everything ever recorded by the Allman Brothers? That’s what they played then, when it was just considered music to get stoned by.

The disc jockeys and engineers sat in booths facing each other, separated by glass. We communicated through an intercom. As an engineer, it was my job to play the music and commercials. Back then we still played “records” – these round vinyl thingys. There must be one in a museum somewhere.

But on Sunday nights KLOS abandoned its format of being your “Emerson, Lake & Palmer station" for public service programs (required by the FCC). One of these was “Impacto” hosted by Joe Ortiz -- a call-in show centering on Hispanic issues. I was the engineer.

A lot of the callers were unaware I assume that you were not allowed to swear on the air. I was forever diving for the kill button. I kept telling Joe he had to remind his callers not to use profanity but he refused. He didn’t mind the barrage of f-bombs and he accused me of censorship. Even my pleading that we could lose our license fell on deaf ears.

So needless to say, things became very tense between us.

If he wasn’t getting calls he’d signal me to play a record. I would just grab one off our playlist. This was an important fact: the ONLY records you were allowed to play were those on the playlist. Disc jockeys (or engineers) could not just bring in albums from home.

So one Sunday night the calls were light. Joe gave me the signal, I reached over to our rack of 45’s, selected one completely at random and cued it up. For reasons I don’t know to this day, he introduced it by saying, “Now here’s a song that expresses the state of the barrio.”

With that I let this record fly.



Ortiz went nuts! Screaming at me. I wish there was a kill button on the intercom. After the show he filed an official union grievance against me. I had to go before the Chief Engineer and a union board for a hearing. The charges were dropped of course. They reacted the way you probably did when you heard the song.

My good name was cleared. I was given a new shift. But then I wound up with two people hating me -- Joe Ortiz and the poor engineer who took my place.

One of my favorite network censor stories

Yeah, this one's a dandy. It occurred on MAUDE, a big hit show from the 70s. Remember last month my post on CBS Standards & Practices having a list of unacceptable words? They were even worse in the 70s.

MAUDE was a spinoff of ALL IN THE FAMILY and had that same biting edge to it. Censors were always having fits. Hey, they had an abortion episode on MAUDE. Meanwhile, Marcia Brady struggled with split ends.

On show nights MAUDE had two tapings. One at 5:30 and the other at 8:00. They then edited together the best performances. And in between the writers fixed jokes that clunked.

One week there was a joke the censor objected to. I don't know specifically what the joke was. The producers fought vehemently that the line was acceptable. Finally the censor offered a compromise.

They could do the joke during the 5:30 taping.

But if it got a laugh it had to come out.

What??!! How the hell do you even respond to that????

That’s the kind of thing we had to deal with. I think if that censor were assigned to TWO AND A HALF MEN his head would explode by week two.

Tomorrow: another censorship story...but this one almost got me fired.

Shinoda Mariko

Itano Tomomi

Rina Nakanishi

Maeda Atsuko

German BW ordance unit in ISAF patch

Poster for #INCEPTION sequel

Many thanks to blog reader Michael for creating the poster to the sequel of INCEPTION. This goes back to my previous post -- Studio notes for INCEPTION. Thanks Mike!

cinema obscura: Caspar Wrede's "One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich" (1970)

Stark, spare, sparce. All the unsettling "S" words apply to Caspar Wrede's "One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich," a faithful adaptation of Alexandre Solzhenitsyn's roman à clef of the same title - a work of fiction inspired by his own experiences as a prisoner in Stalin's Gulag.

Tom Courtenay is mesmerizing in a performance of detailed miminalism as Ivan, branded a political prisoner while serving in the Russian army during World War II. Ivan is caprtured twice - first by the Nazis who place him in a P.O.W. camp, from which he escapes, and then by a suspicious Stalinist government which incarcerates him in a gulag for 10 years as a spy. That's 3650 days. As its title says, the film is about just one day.

Wrede's accomplishment here - a risky one - is that, for 100 unrelentling minutes, the viewer experiences the boredom and tedium and, vicariously, the pain of Ivan's deadening, grueling daily routines.

And so, not surprisingly, "One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich" is an acquired taste. But the film's demands are definitely worth the effort.

Ronald Harwood - scenarist of "The Pianist" and "The Dresser" (which also starred Courtenay), among others - did the fly-on-the-wall adaptation, working from a translation of the original by Gillon Aitkin.

Studio Notes on INCEPTION

I submitted this originally to the New Yorker but they never responded so what the hell? I'll run it here. No spoiler alert necessary because there's nothing in here that's not already in the trailer. And hopefully by now, most of you will have seen the movie anyway.
Memo to Christopher Nolan:

From: Wendee Geldorfman-O’Day
Studio creative junior executive

Re: Rough cut of INCEPTION

Dear Christopher,

First let me say you have made an amazing film, maybe the most amazing film this studio has produced since SEX AND THE CITY 2. We’re all very proud of it and glad we could be there to help guide you in its development.

Having seen the rough cut I have a few thoughts and questions I’d like to share with you.

There was no music and the color didn’t match. That’s because it’s a rough cut, right? If not, you may have overlooked these elements.

Good news: Our research has shown that people in your target audience do in fact dream. So heave a big sigh of relief.

Less good news (but not bad news): I must admit I found some of your film confusing. And it wasn’t just me. My intern, Chloe-Caitlin was also befuddled in parts. And Chloe-Caitlin just finished tops in her class at the Texas A & M film school so you know she’s sharp as a whip. In maybe a sentence or two, could you tell me just what is going on? Sometimes a filmmaker can get too close to his masterpiece and virgin eyes can be most helpful. The one thing that is virgin about Chloe-Caitlin is her eyes.

What threw us the most was this dream within a dream device. We believe you would have a much stronger movie if you didn’t cut from one to the other. In other words, do all of dream one first, then dream two second, and dream three third. This would help us track the story and honestly, there were times I’d be watching something, it would get real exciting, and then whoosh! You take me somewhere else. And now I’m on the edge of my seat waiting to see what happened. Is this really the reaction you want?

When you think about it, the running time is a wee bit long. Do you really need all three dreams? I mean, we get it after two. Just think about it. That’s all I ask. And maybe prepare an alternate cut just for fun.

Point of clarification: In the sequence where they’re flying weightless in the hotel hallway – that’s one of the dreams, right?

I worry that some of the dreams don’t look realistic enough. For example: Leo DiCaprio is in my dreams a lot. But he’s always naked. Any chance we could reshoot a few scenes to incorporate that? Chloe-Caitlin agrees.

Now if you want to go more surrealistic, I think you could lift that whole winter action sequence dream (sorry, but it’s very FOR YOUR EYES ONLY) and replace it with something more groundbreaking. Are you familiar with the Aha video? A girl goes into a comic book. I’m sure our animation department can spare a few weeks. It’s not like they’re making Bugs Bunny cartoons anymore. And I would even use that Aha song.

Marketing idea: That portable machine that allows people to enter other peoples’ dreams -- could we have a few of those at some of the major cineplexes? I think it would be fun for the moviegoers to experience just what it’s like to enter their friends’ dreams.

Question: Was that the girl from JUNO? She looks familiar. Chloe-Caitlin can’t place her.

When Juno, or whoever she is (she’s not the daughter from MODERN FAMILY is she?) agrees to be on Leo’s team it is never specified how much he is going to pay her. I think we need to know this to enjoy her role in the film.

And finally, the title. I worry that INCEPTION is too ambiguous. Chloe-Caitlin had to look up the word. And again, this is a girl who got into Texas A & M. When you think of “inception” – unless you’re a Roads Scholar – you think of what? Birth control. I fear we’ll lose the Catholics. And the south.

So what about this instead? WHO’S THAT IN MY HEAD? There’s something very elegant about WHO’S THAT IN MY HEAD? And it tells you exactly what the movie is about. It’s like HONEY, I SHRUNK THE KIDS. Had they gone by its original title -- MINIMIZATION, I don’t think it would have been the home run that it was. At best it would have been an infield single or even fielder’s choice depending on the official scorer.

I’m taking the liberty of having our art department draw up some one sheets of WHO’S THAT IN MY HEAD? I know it’s a radical change but don’t say no until you’ve seen the T-shirts.

Bad news: I have no more suggestions. Ha ha ha. Again, all of us here, not just interns, are very excited about your film. The word genius is overused so I won’t use it. But I look forward to the revised cut incorporating all these minor changes and believe from the depths of my bones that you don’t only have a remarkable film on your hands, you have a franchise! Summer 2011 – WHO ELSE IS IN MY HEAD? Christmas 2012 – NOW WHO’S IN MY HEAD? And summer 2014 – FRED, IS THAT YOU IN MY HEAD? Are there three sequels? Well, one can dream.

-- Wendee